Long-Term Relationships: 2011

Monday, December 26, 2011

Queen hails blossoming friendship with Ireland

The Queen yesterday set the seal on an historic year for Anglo-Irish relations by hailing the "long-term friendship" between Ireland and Britain, which she said could provide hope for the future.

For the first time ever in her annual Christmas message to the British people, the Queen made a clear reference to the UK's relationship with the Irish Republic, which has "blossomed" into a firm friendship.

Her four-day visit to the Republic in May -- the first by a British monarch since Irish independence -- was fondly recalled in her seven-minute address.

She has delivered her annual message every Christmas since ascending to the British throne in 1952, but mentions of Ireland were confined to the Troubles and the peace process.

Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, during a...

Image via WikipediaIn her recorded message, which was filmed in Buckingham Palace's 1844 room, the queen made explicit mention of her trip to the Republic.

"This past year has also seen some memorable and historic visits, to Ireland and from America. The spirit of friendship, so evident in both these nations, can fill us all with hope.

"Relationships that years ago were once so strained have through sorrow and forgiveness blossomed into long term friendship.

"It is through this lens of history that we should view the conflicts of today and so give us hope for tomorrow."

As she reflected publicly for the first time about her historic trip, footage of her visit with former Irish president Mary McAleese to the Garden of Remembrance was played.

The Garden of Remembrance event, which took place on the first day of the visit, was one of the major highlights of the historic week and saw the queen bow her head to Ireland's patriot dead in a moment of healing between Britain and Ireland.

Tourism bosses will hope the renewed exposure during a broadcast watched by millions will entice British visitors to come here.

Previous mentions of Ireland in the Christmas message usually focused on the Troubles. In 1987, the queen spoke of the victims of the Enniskillen bombing, where 11 people were killed during a ceremony to mark Remembrance Sunday, when Britain pays tribute to its war dead.

Yesterday's message mostly focused on the bonds of family and friendship, and she used Britain's relationship with Ireland and the United States to expand on her theme.

"In this past year my family and I have been inspired by the courage and hope we have seen in so many ways in Britain, in the Commonwealth and around the world.

"We've seen that it's in hardship that we often find strength from our families; it's in adversity that new friendships are sometimes formed; and it's in a crisis that communities break down barriers and bind together to help one another."

The queen's husband, Prince Philip, is currently recuperating in hospital following treatment for a blocked coronary artery at the Norfolk royal country retreat in Sandringham.

But she said the importance of family was brought home to her and Prince Philip this year because of two royal weddings that took place -- Prince William's married Kate Midleton in a huge wedding in London last April, and Zara Phillips married England rugby player Mike Tindall.

"The importance of family has, of course, come home to Prince Philip and me personally this year with the marriages of two of our grandchildren, each in their own way a celebration of the God-given love that binds a family together."

The broadcast featured performances by the band of the Irish Guards, a regiment that was formed in 1900 to commemorate Irish soldiers who died in the Boer Wars.

The red dress worn by the queen during the broadcast was designed by royal designer Angela Kelly -- the woman behind the emerald green outfit worn by the queen during her Irish visit.

Read more: http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/republic-of-ireland/queen-hails-blossoming-friendship-with-ireland-16095439.html#ixzz1hgi8mAKh

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong-il's relationships: an unlikely sex symbol

English: From a mass game in North Korea, 2007.

Image via WikipediaKim was 8 when his mother, Kim Jong-suk, died in childbirth, according to his official biography, although there are suggestions that his mother died of gunshot wounds.
His loss was made worse when his father remarried, to Kim Song-ae, and the boy and his stepmother quarrelled.
"He had problems with his new mother when he was growing up and that coloured his relationships with women when he was older," said Toshimitsu Shigemura, a professor at Tokyo's Waseda University and author of a number of books on the North Korean leadership.
"But we also have to remember that the situation in North Korea is unlike anywhere else in the modern world," he said.
"This is a dynasty with a king at the top; he could do exactly what he wanted."
Kim's first wife was Kim Young-sook, the daughter of a senior military official who was selected by Kim's father as his bride. The couple were reportedly estranged before Kim Il-sung died in 1994 but had a daughter, Kim Sul-song, in 1974.
Even while they were married, Kim Jong-il was having a relationship with Song Hye-rim, a star of the North Korean cinema, who was married to another man and whom Kim forced to divorce her.
Professor Shigemura said Kim was "looking for the love of the mother that he lost."
Song was never officially recognised as the dictator's wife and died in Moscow in 2002. Kim's next mistress was a Japanese-born ethnic Korean named Ko Young-hee who died of cancer, in 2004, but bore Kim a daughter, Kim Sul-song, and two sons, Kim Jong-chul and Kim Jong-un, who has now taken the helm of the nation at the tender age of 28.
After Ko's death, Kim lived with Kim Ok, who had been his personal secretary since the 1980s and took over the responsibilities of the "First Lady."
Throughout his relationships, however, Kim was drawn to attractive women and lavish events were staged at his palaces with the most beautiful young women from around the country ordered to dance for his pleasure.
"His senior staff competed to find the prettiest girls so they would be rewarded with better posts," said Professor Shigemura. "They travelled all across the country looking for women."
Kim also had a curious relationship with a Japanese magician who went by the name Princess Tenko and Professor Shigemura claims Kim travelled to Tokyo every summer for eight years in the 1980s to meet her. Princess Tenko also went to North Korea twice, in 1998 and 2000, where she met Kim's entourage.
Despite his apparent fascination with women, Professor Shigemura said there were no suggestions that he had ever expressed interest in Western women.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Women sue police over undercover officer relationships

The eight women, who have not been named, claim to have suffered emotional pain and trauma from the men who "deliberately and knowingly deceived" them for up to nine years.
They claim they became “deeply emotionally attached” with the unnamed officers who had concealed their identities, according to legal papers sent to police.
Reports claimed Mark Kennedy, an undercover policeman who infiltrated the environment movement for several years, had relationships with three of the women.
Last night the Metropolitan Police said it was considering a letter from their lawyers.

Image via Wikipedia"This is a complex process due to the elapsed time, the nature and volume of material and the inherent sensitivity of the issues," a Scotland Yard spokesman said.
Mark Simmons, the Deputy Assistant Commissioner, is currently conducting a review of covert deployments between 1968 and 2008.
A court date has yet to be set. The group are reportedly intending to ask the court to grant them anonymity to protect their privacy.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Skype and texts will keep us together

Lauren Flinn virtually fell in love over a wireless connection. Even though more than 1,200 miles separated her from boyfriend Jeffrey Hartung -- she in North Carolina and he in Wisconsin -- the couple were able to develop their relationship through the tiny cameras embedded in their laptops.

"It's almost like having a date every night after work, except he's on his couch and I'm on mine," said Flinn, who has since moved to Minneapolis to be closer to Hartung. The couple, both 23, even shared their first "I love yous" and met each other's parents -- all through Skype.

Without technology, however, Flinn said: "I don't think it would've worked out."

Such is the case for many young couples in long-distance relationships, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when breakup rates spike. In fact, the first Monday in December is the most common day for breakups, according to Facebook data compiled by researchers David McCandless and Lee Byron.

Illustration of Facebook mobile interface

Image via Wikipedia
But couples in thriving long-distance relationships and some relationship experts say the rules are changing and long-distance dating is no longer the recipe for disaster it once was. Instead, they argue that connecting through technology like Facebook, Skype and text messaging can improve the chance for long-term success.

That spells good news for the 3 million Americans who are estimated to be in long-distance relationships. Half of college students also are dating across the miles, according to a study published last year in the journal Communication Research. Even married couples -- some forced by the economy -- are in long-distance relationships to accommodate dual careers.

Making it work

As in any relationship, good old-fashioned verbal communication is key, especially across the miles.

"Long-distance relationships can work" and the people in them should be hopeful, said Debra Orbuch Grayson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnetonka. However, couples who regularly talk on the phone and Skype have a better chance for success than those who rely on Facebook and text messages, which can be misinterpreted, she said. In-person communication is best, but video chatting also allows couples to pick up on body language.

That is exactly why Flinn and Hartung Skype at least once a day. The couple have toured each other's apartments; they cook dinner and watch the same TV shows while chatting, and they are able to see what each other looks like after just waking up or getting home from the gym.

"Phone calls get old. ... When there's silence on the other end, you're not sure why," Flinn said. "But with Skype, he could see aspects of my life that he couldn't get on the phone." After Christmas, Hartung plans to move in with Flinn in her Minneapolis apartment.

Breaking up in the digital age

Other couples aren't so lucky. Take high school sweethearts, for example. As a general rule, relationships between couples who stayed together into college fizzled out, and usually by Thanksgiving -- and most certainly by Christmas -- they parted ways. The ritual is known as the "Turkey Drop" or "Turkey Dump" but some say the term is outdated.

"Hardly any high-school-turned-college relationships make it to Valentine's Day," said Marjorie Savage, the parent program director at the University of Minnesota, which warns parents of incoming freshmen about the toll a breakup can take on a college student's transition into his or her new life.

"In most cases, they've made up their minds well before Thanksgiving and they break up over Facebook."

Ironically, the same technology that keeps some lovers together across the miles is used to split up others. Rather than breaking it off in person, more people are delivering the bad news with the click of a mouse. A recent survey from consumer market research company Lab42 found that one-third of adults have broken up via Facebook, e-mail or text message.

Rachel Wells, 28, of Columbia Heights broke up with her boyfriend via voice mail. She waited until he was out of town because she worried that a face-to-face interaction would change her mind.

"I left a two-minute-long rambling phone message breaking it off and when I wanted to delete it after I replayed it, I couldn't," she said. "Nothing was worded how I wanted and the whole thing was really awkward."

Fascinated by the subject of breaking up via electronic media, Ilana Gershon, a professor at Indiana University, delved into the topic and interviewed 72 people, mostly students, about the topic. The results are published in Gershon's "The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media." While most of those interviewed agreed that speaking face-to-face was the best way to end a relationship, many had experienced a breakup through electronic media.

The discovery doesn't surprise Elyse Johnson, a student at St. Catherine's University, who tried without success to turn her high school relationship into a ollege one.

But what Johnson wasn't ready for was the effect new media had on her post-breakup. Not only did she misinterpret the meaning of text messages sent by her ex, but Johnson also got caught up with keeping tabs on him through his Facebook page. Eventually, she had to "unfriend" him.

"Breaking up in the 21st century is so difficult," she said. "Technology makes communication so easy, yet so much harder to move on."

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dating a guy who's still married

Meredith,
I have been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with someone that I care for deeply. We are both mid-50s, have already had our families, have each had substantial therapy, and now have a loving relationship based on sincere open and honest communication.

is this a self help group, or a legal practice...

Image via WikipediaThe long-distance is not a problem -- we actually like it -- but he's still married after many years and that has become a problem for me. I got my divorce finalized a few years ago and am so relieved to have it over. He has not moved on his divorce, claiming he didn't want "to rock the boat" when he moved out. Now, years later, his not-yet-ex has calmed down but is still a loose cannon. He says being technically married doesn't or shouldn't matter. He feels guilty about hurting her feelings. I think he is intimidated by her and afraid for how she might take it out on their children, plus, he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce lawyer. If he is waiting for her to make the first move, she has no motivation. It's never going to happen. She has the big house and all the trappings of a suburban housewife without letting on to the rest of the world what is really happening.

Despite our pride in our honest, open relationship, he has had a brick wall about this subject until I made an issue of it recently. We have no plans to get married; we don't even plan to move to one coast or the other. I truly do not think he would ever go back to his wife. Every day when he tells me he loves me, in the back of my head I think, "... but not enough to get divorced." And every day when I tell him that I love him, in the back of my mind I think, "... but I can't completely because he's not really available."

I don't know if I'm off base here. My usual reaction would be to cut and run, but everything else is so good with him. In the spirit of our openness, I kept talking and did not give up and neither did he. He finally realized that he had to explain himself to me and at least told me of the guilt factor. If the guilt is so strong, why doesn't he make amends?

Am I making this into too big a deal? Does it matter? Is this a deal breaker? Or is it ill-fated? I'm tired of dating a married man.

– Limbo Lady, Boston

A: This is a big deal, LL. You're dating a married man and you don't like it. Your comfort should mean more to him than his fear of causing trouble with his ex.
I do think that it's a deal-breaker. If he wants you, he can't be with her -- not in real life, not on paper.

Demand the divorce. Tell him that if he doesn't know how to start the process, he should head back to his therapist (and yes, pay for a lawyer).

And ... let me throw just one more thing out there, if you don't mind. You say that the distance doesn’t bother you, but ... doesn't it? Just a little bit?

I'm all for personal space, and I condone long-distance relationships that are either short-term or in neighboring cities, but for the most part, it's best to be physically close to the one you love. This distance is allowing him to avoid his responsibilities and to lie to his ex. It's certainly allowing him to remain stagnant with you. I want you to ask yourself: What is the plan for the future? How should this relationship look in two years? Does the distance really work?

Be honest. You're allowed to ask for everything you want.

Readers? Should she demand the divorce? Why isn't he getting divorced? Is age relevant here? Should she walk? Does the divorce paperwork really matter? What about the distance? Help.

– Meredith

Sunday, October 30, 2011

River Cities uses long-term relationships to raise $100M-plus

Ever wonder how big-time investment groups like venture capital funds get big-time investors like banks, insurers and wealthy individuals to fork over investment dough?
In short, it’s a long-term process. Really long-term.
When you’re looking to raise somewhere between $100 million and $150 million like River Cities Capital Funds is, you don’t just pick up the phone and start calling around. Or shoot off a couple of emails.

David M. Rubenstein, Co-Founder and Managing D...

Image via WikipediaDan Fleming, a River Cities managing partner, said these things are done over long time periods and typically start with a personal referral.
“We typically invest time in multiple meetings over the course of months or even years to attract new investors,” he said. “There is an extreme level of trust required to make an investment in a private equity firm.”
That’s because the investors rely on the fund manager to select companies in which they’ll ultimately invest.
Doug Roberts, a partner at downtown law firm Thompson Hine who works on venture capital issues, likened venture fund-raising to a political campaign or college sports recruiting. It’s a constant process that involves years of building relationships for a payoff down the road.
Now is when River Cities is expecting that payoff. Of course, it helps that its past and present investors have gotten healthy payoffs on their investments.
Fleming must feel confident his firm can raise money somewhere in the range he mentioned. The fact he was willing to mention sizable numbers for the next fund’s target size likely means River Cities has gotten a good response from its prior investors about signing up for the next fund, Roberts said.
“That speaks well to what River Cities is seeing,” he said. “Otherwise they would say they’re playing it safe in this market.”

Monday, October 17, 2011

MSU students foster relationship between university, community

A photograph of the National Superconducting C...

Image via WikipediaWith trash bags in hand, students and long-term residents of East Lansing roamed the city’s neighborhoods, picking up crushed red plastic cups that littered the streets and yards after Saturday’s game-day festivities.

On Sunday, the Community Relations Coalition, or CRC , a nonprofit organization that seeks to build relationships between MSU and permanent residents of East Lansing, hosted its second neighborhood cleanup of the semester, a service project that is hosted the day after major home football games, where MSU students and East Lansing residents come together to clean up trash in the community .

Graduate student and intern coordinator for CRC Olivia Seifert said the event is more than a community cleanup.

“We do it to clean up the East Lansing neighborhoods and make East Lansing beautiful, but we also want to show a presence out in the community to make people realize that everyone needs to demonstrate respect for their community,” Seifert said.

MSU and Lansing Community College students, East Lansing residents, members of East Lansing’s city council and East Lansing Mayor Vic Loomis attended the event.

Participants met at 10:30 a.m. in the parking lot behind the 54-B District Court, 101 Linden Street, and broke into groups, heading to different neighborhoods to clean.

“We love to see projects of this nature where the MSU campus and the neighborhoods and the city come together to help the city,” Loomis said. “On the other side of the coin … it’s kind of unfortunate we have to do this. We should all take pride in our city, be proud Spartans and clean up after ourselves.”
Mutual respect is established when students and residents come together to clean up the community, Seifert said.

Most residents of the East Lansing community enjoy living in a university-centered community and living near students, president of the Chesterfield Hills Neighborhood Association Brandon Scott said. The integration of students and residents allows residents to live in a neighborhood where the everyone has diverse values, Scott said.

But, Scott said in order to keep peace between long-term residents and students, it is important that the entire community learns to respect one another.
“Being obnoxious and inconsiderate is bad, regardless of whether you rent or own, are a student or full-time resident,” Scott said.

Education senior and CRC intern Allison Flanagan said she used to believe that long-term residents in East Lansing disliked the students living off-campus, but once she participated in a CRC event, she realized that was not the case. Flanagan said CRC helped her become closer with her neighbors who live down the street.

“I definitely thought that long-term residents didn’t like (MSU) students, but it actually turns out that they like living in East Lansing because of the students,” Flanagan said.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I Can Go The Distance

It is the beginning of a new year, which means that many of us are dealing with adjustments to or within long distance relationships. There are many people, “relationship experts” or otherwise, whose advice on long distance relationships (LDRs) is limited to one short sentence: don’t do it.

I will never be one of them. My first major relationship, with “Moose,” was always either long distance or functionally long distance due to driving ability/car access and, while it was not always easy, it is an experience that I would certainly be a different person without having, and one that I certainly would not deny others.

Of course there are drawbacks to having an LDR. One of the reasons that so many of them fail so soon out of the gate is that people forget to factor in these points and potential pitfalls. Nonetheless, they do have some benefits over short distance relationships (SDRs).

Ultimately, you have to consider every factor involved and think about what it actually means for your situation. So, what follows is my “Owner’s Manual to the LDR” – giving the pros and cons as I see them, along with some handy alliteration.

Communication

Image via WikipediaThere is no doubt that communication becomes a huge part of your relationship once the distance between you and your partner grows. But the common conception is that the two of you need to be in constant contact. This is absolutely not the case. As with any relationship, those involved need to figure out exactly what works for them and their lives. Unlike Swattie-on-Swattie relationships, in which you are likely to unintentionally run into each other five times each day, this means you might have to schedule times to talk to each other.

When Moose and I were together, we had a time every night when he would call me, and we kept it every evening without fail. On some days, that was a two minute conversation consisting of “I’m sorry, I’m so busy/have this commitment. I love you.” and on others it would last well over an hour. Sometimes we would send each other letters, but since Moose did not have texting and this was before the time of Skype (It was the dark ages), that was really the limit of our communication.

Technology is really the savior of many LDRs. You can text each other through the day, send each other photos, or talk on Skype so that you can see each other’s faces regularly. These things can really give the feeling of shortening the distance between you, as you are still active participants in each other’s lives.

(Conjugal) Visits

There is no question that LDRs are a huge time commitment. On a daily basis, you are probably cutting out time to communicate with each other, but visiting is a huge demand on your time as well. I have read that the general guideline for LDRs is that you should see each other at least once a month, but I feel like that can be stretched to two if necessary. Beyond that span, it becomes difficult to maintain, as relationships are so often built on shared experience and physical bonds, which do not happen when you are not in the same place.

But visits are often a huge effort. Depending on access and the actual distance involved, visits can involve anything from a subway ride to plane tickets. As the distance increases, so do the anxieties that go along with it. Travel costs money, something that is often in short supply as college students, especially if your parents are not willing or able to pitch in. And a visit is often a huge time suck in terms of schoolwork. Those in SDRs see each other in small doses over a period of time, but distant partners have concentrated time, which will often render an entire weekend or break nominally homework free time, as you will want to make the most of the limited time you have together. This can easily become a point of contention if you do not put out fairly equal effort into travelling. If possible, you should switch off visits so that one partner is not bearing the brunt of the travel burden.

This is difficult, but it also means that the time you have together will probably be more meaningful. Every moment you spend with someone you love but rarely see feels special. You also often try to fill them with exciting adventures, rather than patterns of casual, unfocused hangout time. I love vegging with a movie more than most, but it is the new and exciting experiences that will go further to bonding you as a couple.

Contact

I am not going to lie, sex is really difficult if you are in an LDR. It turns simple occurrences, like a period coinciding with a visit, into tragedies. For those of us with roommates, it also can be quite difficult to explore other outlets, such as phone sex or masturbation. There are also people who are really uncomfortable with the concept of phone sex, which can be frustrating if you are in a relationship with them and do not feel the same way.

There is also the factor of general physicality. When your partner is miles away, you cannot hug them, spoon them, hold their hand. These other aspects of physical intimacy can be even harder to go without, as they cannot be mimicked with an active imagination and a hand or a vibrator. Holding your own hand or playing with your own hair just does not cut it. Some people are able to get this fulfillment through their other relationships, but our culture does not really support physically close friendships, so we are often left without a real outlet for our desire for physical intimacy.

Connection

All of the effort that inherently goes into LDRs can make for stronger relationships. You have to figure out how your partner communicates and work with it. You have to deal with significantly more minor issues that pop up as a result of the distance and talk through them rather than working them out, Bloodhound Gang style. Your relationship also much better resists the stasis that often plagues long-term relationships because you have to keep talking to each other.

On the other hand, LDRs are also much more flexible in terms of structure. You can share every detail of your life with each other, or you can be predominantly independent and only actually talk every few days. And each of these choices is an active decision, so you ultimately tend to have a much better handle both on what your relationship is and on what you want.

One of my exes is now in a long distance relationship in which they are not all that active in each other’s lives. The distance worked out quite well for them, giving each other the space they each want while still enabling them to feel close. Conversely, I have a friend who lives in Chicago and her wife is living in London. They talk to each other every day and often try to fall asleep with each other on Skype. Because of money issues, they have not been able to visit each other for almost a year, but they are going to be reunited in October.

A shift into long distance can also illuminate the potential of a relationship. When your boyfriend graduates or your girlfriend moves, you learn much earlier how well your relationship can adapt to the changes that living brings about, before taking big steps like living together or getting married.

Of course LDRs have their difficulties. They are relationships. We just emphasize these factors in LDRs because they deviate from the norm.

There is no shame in deciding that LDRs are not for you, or that you are not willing or able to put out the effort that it takes for a specific relationship. But there is a lot of value in distant relationships that their closer counterparts just cannot match, and with the right person, I promise that they are worth it.

If all else fails, just hum “I can go the distance.” Hercules would approve.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A Faith That Can Change Is A Faith That Lasts

If you're reading this, you might be irrelevant. Don't feel bad: I could be too.

It's easy for people of faith to wonder about their relevancy in a post-faith world. We cherish beliefs and insights that a great deal of our culture now ignores. That puts us on the periphery of many dialogues around the issues of our day.

Take sex and marriage. In my own life, I've experienced the incredible treasures long-term monogamy can bestow, and I would wish those blessings on anyone. I also happen to believe that sex can be far richer and more fulfilling in the context of commitment. (These two perspectives, in turn, happen to inform my ardent belief in marriage equality.)

Image via WikipediaBut the "general conversation" of our culture has moved on. Nowadays, sex in most romantic contexts is taken for granted. Millions of people are navigating entirely different issues: the trauma (and sometimes the joy) of divorce, the issues surrounding single parenthood, expectations around dating, choices of birth control, adoption or abortion. Moral discussions of living together before marriage, and even the word monogamy itself, sound quaint nowadays, relics of a distant past.

This isn't just an issue with sex and marriage. In an era when dominant world views have given way to individual choice, the shoulds and oughts traditionally associated with religion hold less influence. Many in our secular world wonder why we hold on to ancient beliefs at all, particularly when science and reason seem more than adequate replacements. Grand Moff Tarkin's words to Darth Vader have an eerie ring in this context: "The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion."

Where does this leave people of faith? It leaves us, I think, in search of a new way to live out our beliefs in the world -- a way that is both faithful to what we treasure and helpful to those around us.

This is actually a good thing, because the old way wasn't all sweetness and light. Once upon a time, long-standing traditions dictated the terms of beliefs and morals. This held true whether the morals had merit or were out-and-out destructive: society exerted tremendous pressure in favor of family stability and nurturing homes for children, but it also condemned interracial marriage and same-sex relationships. People of faith didn't have to think through each and every value they held; the dominant social paradigm essentially told them what to think.

Not anymore. In a vastly more diverse world, with an emerging secular consensus that has left them behind, people of faith now face two challenges: to revisit their values, and to change the way they talk (and listen) with the world.

On the values side, the challenge of new ideas and norms invites us to ask questions we had no need to ask 50 years ago. Take the once widespread belief that sex belonged exclusively within the bounds of formal, government-sanctioned marriage. Why have we, as people of faith, believed that in the past? Have the new ideas and norms exposed a flaw in that thinking? Is it a stance that people of faith should still uphold? Should we look deeper into that belief and perhaps uphold a slightly different ideal, like sex in the context of commitment?

To see how this might change our beliefs, take another look at the third paragraph of this article. There was a time when I would have said that long-term monogamy is the ideal for all couples, and that sex outside of marriage is immoral. The process of questioning has led me to a somewhat different stance: still faithful to my understanding of relationship and commitment, but now informed by what the new realities of our society have to tell us.

And how do we relate our revisited beliefs to the world? Rather than proclaim shoulds and oughts from a position of authority -- and thus doom ourselves to being ignored -- we can model these beliefs and join the general conversation. So I don't go around telling my divorced friends they should have stayed married. That kind of approach is both cruel and, more likely than not, inaccurate. I can, however, live out and share the joy that comes from my own long-term relationship while being fully present to my friends and loved ones whose experience is vastly different.

Some might interpret this approach as another liberal effort to "get with the times" -- to let the morals of the age dictate the values of faith. It is not. Rather, it is an invitation to dig deeper into our faith while spreading the love and will of God in a way that resonates with the people of our age.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

8 Tips for Making Friends

I recently posted a list How to make friends — or at least think about it more clearly. That list sets forth the “essential friendship skills.”

But knowing the essential friendship skills isn’t the same thing as being able to make friends. And friends are very important to happiness. The more I’ve studied happiness, in fact, the more convinced I’ve become that loneliness is a very common and very serious challenge to happiness. I think it’s a subject that deserves more attention.

Image via WikipediaAncient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: strong social ties are a key — arguably the key — to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”

Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.

Strategies for Making Friends
But making friends can be difficult. Here are some strategies to try, if you’re eager to make friends but finding it tough:

1. Show up.

Just as Woody Allen said that “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” a big part of friendship is showing up. Whenever you have the chance to see other people, take it. Go to the party. Stop by someone’s desk. Make the effort. I’m a big believer in the power of online tools like Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ to help sustain relationships, but nothing can replace a face-to-face meeting.

Also, the mere exposure effect describes the fact that repeated exposure makes you like someone better – and makes that person like you better, too. You’re much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her often. I’ve seen this happen over and over in my life. I’ve become close to unlikely people, just because circumstances put us in constant contact.

2. Join a group.

Being part of a natural group, where you have common interests and are brought together automatically, is the easiest way to make friends: starting a new job, taking a class, having a baby, joining a congregation, or moving to a new neighborhood are great opportunities to join a group. If those situations aren’t an option, try to find a different group to join. Get a dog, for example. Or pursue a hobby more seriously. An added advantage to making friends through a group is that you’ll have something obvious in common with these new acquaintances, and you can strengthen your friendships to several people at once — very helpful if you don’t have a lot of free time. Which is important, because for many people, lack of time is a real obstacle to making and sustaining friendships.

3. Form a group.

If you can’t find an existing group to join, start a group based around something that interests you. My children’s literature reading groups – (yes, now I’ve helped start three of these groups) are among the top joys of my life. Studies show that each common interest between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship, and also brings about a 2% increase in life satisfaction, but I’m confident that my kidlit groups have given me a lift in life satisfaction much higher than two percent. Movies, wine, cheese, pets, marathon-training, a language, a worthy cause…I know people in all these sorts of groups. You can start a Happiness Project group! (If you want the starter kit, to help launching a group, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gretchenrubin dot com.)

4. Say nice things about other people.

It’s a kind way to behave; also, studies show that because of the psychological phenomenon of spontaneous trait transference, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits you ascribe to other people. So if you tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with you. On the other hand, if you say that Pat is hilarious, you’ll be linked to that quality.

5. Set a target.

This strategy sounds very calculating, but it has really worked for me. When I enter a situation where I meet a new set of people, I set myself the goal of making three new friends. This seems artificial, but somehow, this shift makes me behave differently, it makes me more open to people, it prompts me to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello.

6. Make an effort to smile.

Big surprise, studies show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to be. In fact, people who can’t smile due to facial paralysis have trouble with relationships. I’ve been working hard on this myself lately; I’ve become more solemn over the years, or at least more distracted and tightly wound.

7. Make friends with friends-of-friends.

“Triadic closure” is the term for the fact that people tend to befriend the friends of their friends. So friends-of-friends is an excellent place to start if you’re trying to expand your circle.

8. Be aware of cultural differences.

On last week’s post, a commenter noted that now that she lived in the United States, she missed the kind of easy, drop-by-your-house friendships that she’d had in Australia. She just didn’t seem able to make those close friends. But I suspect that friendship intensity isn’t the problem, just cultural practice. At least in Kansas City and New York City, the places I know best, even a very close friend wouldn’t be likely to drop by your house unannounced — no matter how those crazy kids behaved on the TV show Friends. So try to be aware of how friendship signals may be different in different places.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Relationships Counselling Services in Glastonbury and Street

D I V O R C E. Good old Tammy Wynette, she knew how to spell, after all. It's widely considered that one of the main reasons for couples splitting up and either going on to divorce, or end long term un-married relationships, is due to money matters. So with the current economic downturn and spending cuts left, right and centre, it would be natural to assume that divorce rates would be on the up for that very reason.

Image via Wikipedia
Not necessarily.......It is now considered that 'growing apart' is the most common motivation for divorce. In a survey which started in 2003 and ended recently, accountancy firm Grant Thornton have cited that 27% of couples are now divorcing because they have fallen out of love. Extramarital affairs, which have been the top reason for divorce, has fallen to second place.

Christine Northam, a counsellor working for Relate has said that she thought the change was down to "a slight shift in people's expectations of relationships".

Hmm. It's difficult to know what that 'shift in expectations' would be. After all, love, loyalty, honesty and trust are cited as the main expectations for the success of a marriage or long term relationship for most couples, unless you are of the theory that 'money makes the world go round'. Patience, understanding, support for each other.....and there's that other thing that can be a pretty important factor, you know, the 'S' word (said like Miranda Hart off the telly). Who knows what constitutes 'expectations' between two people in very private and delicate matters of the heart? Whatever the reason, ending a relationship is a painful, difficult mess and coping with those dark days of stress and with what can feel like a bereavement, can take its toll on health.

When Mendip District Council announced their cuts to the Voluntary Sector Budgets for 2011, one of the smaller groups to be affected was Mendip Relate. This service which served our area, is now no longer in existence. For many, this type of counselling can not only rescue flailing relationships, it can also ease the stress of break-ups, with sessions for both individuals and couples.

Relationship Somerset is a counselling service based at the Vine Health Suites in Hindhayes Lane, Street. Diane Grevatte and Pauline Drew are both Relate trained counsellors who between them offer seperation and divorce counselling, relationship counselling for individuals, couples and families, and also with seperating couples on aspects of parenting together and apart.

Mendip Counselling and Psychotherapy are based in Ashcott, Street but work in Glastonbury too. They offer counselling in relationships, communication and couple work. And for those who feel they are at the end of their tether and pushed to their absolute limits, aggression and anger counselling is available.

Glastonbury has many individual and qualified counsellors who can be brokered for support. Rosalie Ideson, Ros Baldwin, Sandra McKeever and Rachael Bark are all locally based practitioners and Sweet Track Counselling Services run by Collette Barnard is a Glastonbury based business specialising in short and long term counselling with individuals and couples.

Monday, August 22, 2011

You're an Unavailable Man? Fantastic! When Are We Getting Married?

When most people are seeking love, they have a basic list of check boxes they hold up to their prospective partners. On this list are questions like: is he single? Is he ready to be in a relationship? Is he emotionally available? Does he want to be in a relationship with me?

It makes me wildly uncomfortable when all the boxes on that list are checked.

I am attracted to and fall in love with unavailable men.

Image via WikipediaFor years, especially in the past three years, I have slept with married men, men in relationships, and emotionally unavailable men (the latter would be fine if sex was all I was after).

And with some of these men, I have developed serious romantic attachments as a result of our sexual relationship and friendship. I would wish, hope that they wanted more than sex, that they would want a relationship with me.

Why have I been so self-destructive?

I have put myself in these emotionally trying places out of fear that my imperfections and weaknesses would be exposed in the course of a serious, long-term relationship. I didn't want anyone close to me because closeness calls for a release of all pretenses; I would be forced to expose my strengths and my faults. In a healthy relationship, accountability and questions are part of the deal. I didn't want any questions; I didn't want to be accountable when it came to my problems. So, I chose men who I knew would not or could not be in a relationship with me.

My entanglements with unavailable men allowed me to avoid men who would see the real me and also gave me the opportunity to experience the feelings of love and emotional and sexual attraction that we all need.

I always knew going into these situations, that the men I was seeing weren't available for actual relationships. I never had to be told by others that, "He's just not that into you." None of the unavailable men with whom I have had sexual relationships can say I pushed them to do anything. I never bothered pursuing romantic relationships with these men because I knew, point blank, that they were unavailable. Instead, I stewed in my frustration and sadness, sharing my pain with one or two friends.

Over the years, my friends have made multiple attempts at setting me up with prospective boyfriends, but I always knew these men would be emotionally, mentally available. What a turn off, right? So I would refuse the set-up, or I would find a reason why that particular man wouldn't work for me after going out with him.

I would occasionally date romantically available men for short periods of time; I gave them a small chance. But I would never allow them into my world, they wouldn't meet my friends, they wouldn't be a part of my life. And soon, they would either tire of the situation or I would find a polite way to move on.

The concept of unavailability in men comes in many different forms and it's an issue I've seen many of my friends struggle with. For some, it's about being in a relationship with a man who could physically be in the same room, but is a million miles away in terms of his emotional commitment. For others, it's about falling in love with a man who will never be open to a sexual or romantic relationship. For me, an unavailable man is someone who gives me enough to live on emotionally and sexually, but is someone who is totally and literally unavailable for a relationship.

Sometimes, when we chase after things, we are not necessarily chasing after something that is inaccessible. My relationships with unavailable men have nothing to do with wanting what I can't have. These relationships are about doing everything to avoid what I want the most.

The way I would fall in love with unavailable men was always the same. In fact, it had become so textbook that a few close friends would often notice and point it out when I was heading in that direction. I would sleep with a man, whether I knew he was available or not, and once I confirmed that he was unavailable, I would become more attracted to him. It wouldn't take much for the emotional attraction to happen. If he said something sweet to me, or asked me the right questions, I couldn't help but feel drawn to him. Whether the attraction would last for days, weeks, or months, it was incredibly intense and emotionally draining. And I lived out that pain in private.

The process would only be prolonged when I received a perfectly timed text-message or phone call from one of my unavailable men. These connections would provide the warmth and sense of closeness that I desired. Those text messages and phone calls were enough to keep me giving them what they wanted -- so I could get what I needed.

My problems, my imperfections are the kind that everyone has. But for some reason, I felt like I had some sort of invisible cloak that prevented people from noticing these flaws unless I let them in. I was wrong. Everyone saw them, as any attempt at covering up problems only leads them to be revealed more publicly. My choice to engage with unavailable men stemmed precisely from this fear of intimacy and a fear of exposing my faults and inadequacies.

My attraction towards unavailable men taught me a big lesson, a lesson about my aversion to revealing my shortcomings to the world. I have fundamentally shifted how I see privacy and what it really means to be private.

Our need for privacy, for secrecy, for keeping our imperfections hidden is seriously taxing our lives -- it took me away from myself and nearly destroyed me. We ironically admire this internal suffering as a strong character trait, "Oh, she's so private," or "He's so private." We seem to think this kind of silent suffering is honorable. It's not.

For me, sharing my time with unavailable men was a major way to hide parts of myself. Being with these men was my version of privacy. Being forced to talk about my relationships with these unavailable men or being forced to talk about the resulting pain made me feel like I was being exposed to the world. For me, talking about my problems was a weakness. And that's why I never did it. Until now.

Our tendency towards privacy often relates to our desire to hide our problems and our desire to conceal our fear of exposing personal issues and imperfections. But problems are generally not solved behind closed doors. I also think it's nearly impossible to cover up or hide our general imperfections or issues -- human beings are so perceptive that most people will soon realize that something is wrong. For me, privacy is now about keeping things special or keeping other people's secrets. Privacy is no longer about burying my own secrets or imperfections. I just don't care anymore about being judged.

Usually people wait until they're extremely successful or well past their problems to discuss them. We are often willing to talk about our secrets or our problems once we have solved them. It's so much more comfortable to say, "That's how I used to be." I'm not there yet. I thought about unavailable men yesterday, I thought about them this morning, and I am thinking about them now.

While revealing this issue about my life may be embarrassing for some to hear or know about, I no longer have an issue admitting that I have never felt truly close to anyone. This is because until now, I have not truly felt close to myself.

I really want to be in relationship. But I know I am not ready since there's nothing I want to do more than respond to the text that I just received from one of my unavailable men. That text still gives me enough, even though it truly offers nothing. I still have the desire to get what I need from someone who doesn't want to give me more than sex and a kind word, someone who won't ask me any questions, someone who won't require me to be a better person, someone who let's me keep my privacy, and someone who allows me to keep all of my faults and shortcomings at bay.

But I know I have to stop sleeping and falling in love with unavailable men -- because my need for privacy has left me feeling incredibly lonely.

I've been knocking on a door when I know that no one is home. I'm tired of waiting around for him to answer.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Amadou Sanyang Signing Glimpse At Concussions And Long Term Relationships

When Amadou Sanyang was announced as a Seattle Sounder signee the first question was "Why is he a free?" Toronto FC had let him go as he recovered from a significant concussion. An issue that is also in light for the Sounders as Terry Boss is still recovering (3 to 6 days) from his during the Manchester United friendly. Sigi Schmid on Wednesday addressed how seriously this league and other are now taking the issue;

Club crest of Manchester United F.C. in the 19...

Image via WikipediaIt is something that has changed in sports in general. I think the NFL is more cautious with it. Every sport is more cautious with it. We were [talking about it] as a coaching staff and saying that I probably remember playing concussed four times. There was a game that I don't remember one second of the game. I know I got smacked early in the game, and you just played that way in the past.
Now the League is being more cautious. I've been through it with Chad Marshall, where he had to sit out the rest of the season. I got to Columbus when Ross Pauley (wiki profile) trying to come back and he had to call his career because of concussion. It's a serious thing. With Boss the hit he took wasn't that extreme so for him to have gotten concusses we're trying to be careful and do the right things for him.

For Sanyang the right thing for him was to leave the game for a bit and recover. But when he was able practice again he got his name out there as a free and found a place where he was wanted. A place where someone he knew from Gambia used to play. Amadou knows Sanna Nyassi from back in the day.

Before coming down here I got a little bit of [info] from Sanna Nyassi. He said that it is a good management. It's just a good environment for a young player to come in and compete... We talk from time to time and he's given me a good impression about the team.
Sanyang played here two years ago and noted the crowd, mentioning that sometimes a young player can get a little overwhelmed.

When asked where he can play he answers;

To me it doesn't matter. It is up to the coaches whatever kind of job they want me to do. You just step up and fit in.
Sigi has noted that his flexibility throughout the defense and athleticism can fit into many roles. Perhaps think back to the 2009 Patrick Ianni and Nathan Sturgiswho were able to play as holding midfielders, fullbacks and centerbacks depending on the circumstances and needs for the club. As they developed one has become a CB, the other a CDM. For Sanyang, who just turned 20, he has plenty of time to figure out his best fit in MLS.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Here's what men really want

What is more important to you from a physical standpoint: a beautiful face or a great body? How much are you willing to give up for the other?

Would you consider long-term dating someone with great looks or a body everyone dies for? Studies reveal that human physical attractiveness appears to be an important signal of mate value. Men who see their relationship to be a short term fling want to get a peek at her body while for someone looking at a long lasting relationship definitely goes in for the face. It might seem a tough call to take for a lot of us while for others its crystal clear. Read on...

Roshni Chopra
It's definitely a tough call. I think guys always go for looks no matter what. It is the face you wake upto and not really the body. There are men who go for curves while there are a lot of them who go for the personality and looks. When you meet a person initially the attraction is bodily, but in the long term it is always the person who is beautiful form inside.

Kashmeera Shah

Egyptian Intelligence Director Omar Suleiman a...

Image via WikipediaFor anyone it is the smile of a person that attracts you first and that goes for men as well. There are girls with extremely hot bodies with no looks. If it's a one night stand, looks or no looks, it does not matter at all. Bu tin case of a long term relationship a decent face is a pre-requisite. You have to be a complete package. For married women, they need to take care of themselves, whether it is their figure or hair. We cannot take our marriage or our husband for granted.

Shruti Seth
Most men who have gone for me are bacause I am a fun person. Guess I stimulate them intellectually than physically! It usually depends from person to person, but of what I have gathered guys go in for presentable looks. I mean there is no problem for a guy to go in for a woman with a voluptuous body. But they usually prefer a nicer face.

Vidya Malvade
In love the body or the face hardly matter. You fall in love with a person for what they are and not how they look. You are so taken in with their personality that everything else just fades away. Men looking for a short term relation just want to score. A lot of men want their partners to be fit and presentable. For that matter I too would want to look attractive for my husband everyday.

Luke Kenny
I feel both the curves and the face are equally important. They should compliment each other. I really cant decide, but its a visual world so looks do matter a lot. The first thing a person notices about a women is her looks. But every body is different with different dimensions and contours. If you get a woman who has the curves and the looks it's like a cake with icing and a cherry on top!

Ronit Roy
I think for me it has to be both - a combination of looks and body. That's because you cannot have a great body without a good face and a good looking face without a great body. And if you cannot find one, then perhaps you should wait!

Karanvir Bohra
I am a long term kind of a guy and in such a case it doesn't really matter if you want the body or the looks. What really matters is the chemistry between the two people. if given the choice between the two i would go in for a good body. You are born with a face which you really cannot change but you can definitely sculpt your body. A woman who works on her body is a sure shot thumbs up for me.

Ashmit Patel
For me there is no long term or there is no short term relationships. I have got to have a connect with that person, be it intellectually, spiritually or emotionally. Like when you enter a room, the first thing you notice about a women are her looks. So for me looks are always a first preferance.

Akashdeep Saigal
I agree with the statement that men do go in for the curves if they want a short affair. But when you are looking at a person in terms of long term, her being fat or thin does not seem to matter. There is a connect with the soul of a person. But I am sure every man out there is looking at a good package. But guys who don't get one end up looking everywhere!

Expert talk
Dr. Madhuri Singh, psychiatrist and marriage counsellor, "This choice hugely depends upon the personality of a man - one who goes for the body and the other who goes for the looks. The former category basically is interested in the physical pleasure of the relationship, which can be termed as a one night stand or a fling. While the latter is more interested in he emotional factor. The face or the looks come into play when the when the man wants to be with the woman for a longer time. But things are changing now. The younger generation does not bother about this a clear cut distinction unlike 20 years back. These days when people ge into a relationship they don't think about it in terms of short or long. It is jus that circumstances crop up that they end up parting ways. It is the inborn personality of a man what makes the man he is."

Dr. Rahul Gadge, psychiatrist, "When a guy is looking at a long term relationship the woman's personality - looks, behaviour etc, come into play. He has to be with her in the society and therefore it becomes necessary for a woman to have good looks. But in case of a short affair, a guy just goes for the body of a woman. He does not bother about how she looks, her emotions, her needs. All this becomes secondary to him."

Monday, December 26, 2011

Related articles

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Related articles

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Related articles

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Related articles

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Related articles

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Related articles

Monday, October 17, 2011

Related articles

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Related articles

Monday, September 19, 2011

Related articles

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Related articles

Friday, September 2, 2011

Related articles

Monday, August 22, 2011

Related articles

Monday, August 8, 2011

Related articles

Friday, July 29, 2011

Related articles