Dating a guy who's still married

Meredith,
I have been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with someone that I care for deeply. We are both mid-50s, have already had our families, have each had substantial therapy, and now have a loving relationship based on sincere open and honest communication.

Image via WikipediaThe long-distance is not a problem -- we actually like it -- but he's still married after many years and that has become a problem for me. I got my divorce finalized a few years ago and am so relieved to have it over. He has not moved on his divorce, claiming he didn't want "to rock the boat" when he moved out. Now, years later, his not-yet-ex has calmed down but is still a loose cannon. He says being technically married doesn't or shouldn't matter. He feels guilty about hurting her feelings. I think he is intimidated by her and afraid for how she might take it out on their children, plus, he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce lawyer. If he is waiting for her to make the first move, she has no motivation. It's never going to happen. She has the big house and all the trappings of a suburban housewife without letting on to the rest of the world what is really happening.

Despite our pride in our honest, open relationship, he has had a brick wall about this subject until I made an issue of it recently. We have no plans to get married; we don't even plan to move to one coast or the other. I truly do not think he would ever go back to his wife. Every day when he tells me he loves me, in the back of my head I think, "... but not enough to get divorced." And every day when I tell him that I love him, in the back of my mind I think, "... but I can't completely because he's not really available."

I don't know if I'm off base here. My usual reaction would be to cut and run, but everything else is so good with him. In the spirit of our openness, I kept talking and did not give up and neither did he. He finally realized that he had to explain himself to me and at least told me of the guilt factor. If the guilt is so strong, why doesn't he make amends?

Am I making this into too big a deal? Does it matter? Is this a deal breaker? Or is it ill-fated? I'm tired of dating a married man.

– Limbo Lady, Boston


A: This is a big deal, LL. You're dating a married man and you don't like it. Your comfort should mean more to him than his fear of causing trouble with his ex.
I do think that it's a deal-breaker. If he wants you, he can't be with her -- not in real life, not on paper.

Demand the divorce. Tell him that if he doesn't know how to start the process, he should head back to his therapist (and yes, pay for a lawyer).

And ... let me throw just one more thing out there, if you don't mind. You say that the distance doesn’t bother you, but ... doesn't it? Just a little bit?

I'm all for personal space, and I condone long-distance relationships that are either short-term or in neighboring cities, but for the most part, it's best to be physically close to the one you love. This distance is allowing him to avoid his responsibilities and to lie to his ex. It's certainly allowing him to remain stagnant with you. I want you to ask yourself: What is the plan for the future? How should this relationship look in two years? Does the distance really work?

Be honest. You're allowed to ask for everything you want.

Readers? Should she demand the divorce? Why isn't he getting divorced? Is age relevant here? Should she walk? Does the divorce paperwork really matter? What about the distance? Help.

– Meredith

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• Stacey Dash's Divorce From Abusive Husband Final (since1910.com)
• Pillow Talk - Quick cure for Long distance relationship blues! (anothernomadicmind.wordpress.com)

Making a long distance relationship work

Most of us share a healthy scepticism about long distance relationships; they are certainly difficult to sustain over the long term. Whether because of career commitments, family obligations or educational pursuits, having to live in different locations for the majority of time is bound to alter the dynamics of any romantic relationship and poses unique challenges that couples living together rarely face.

Being together and spending time with each other are keys to building a healthy, lasting relationship. While separation clearly makes this more challenging, my experience tells me that long distance relationships are more likely to be successful when both partners are strongly committed to the relationship and each is willing to make the extra effort to overcome distance-related obstacles.

Keep the connection strong: When distance separates you and your partner, being in love isn't enough by itself to sustain a strong romantic connection. Communication and adequate contact are critical. Be creative and consider choosing several different ways beyond the telephone to stay in contact; technology has made this much easier thanks to innovations like social networking, online chat, instant messaging, VDO calls and text messaging.

Update each other about new things you've experienced, focus on positive topics, be supportive of each other, and tell your partner how much you miss him. Take note of the strong connection rule-of-thumb: View each conversation as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and get closer to your partner.

Don't overdo the phone calls: A phone call every day should be more than enough to keep a feeling of closeness between partners; any more than that may begin to feel more like an annoyance. Remember, multiple phone calls and messages day after day may be more like stalking than talking.

Speaking by phone once or twice a week should be enough for a typical long distance couple. This less-than-daily frequency will make for more exciting updates to share and allows for anticipation to build before the next call. Giving your partner some "space" can help both of you maintain enough independence and freedom - two important components of long distance relationships that succeed.

Trust your partner: When you're in a long distance relationship, you are no longer an integral part of your partner's daily activities. Not knowing precisely what one's partner is doing at any given moment can be a source of great anxiety and insecurity for some people. If you want your long distance relationship to succeed and endure, you need to learn how to trust your partner or recognise that the relationship is not going to work. Give each other the freedom to live your lives independently; fight the temptation to exert control and to don't give voice to your suspicions.

Keep your relationship sexy: Even for couples living thousands of miles apart, sex is still important. Given that time together is limited, when you see each other, seize at least some the opportunities as they come along - opportunities that will enable you and your loved one to share many intimate experiences together.

When you can't be together physically, my advice is to use technology for "sexting" (i.e. sending intimate text messages). You can also try "cybersex" or phone sex. It may feel awkward at first, but soon enough you'll grow more comfortable. These relatively new methods help boost excitement and stimulate mutual attractions; the next time you both are "in the mood", you'll almost surely enjoy a romantic experience that feels more exciting and memorable.

Avoid fighting: Separation can be a stressful and frustrating experience that eventually can lead to conflict. Be ready to admit you're wrong and say "I'm sorry" and keep communicating openly and honestly. Avoid digging up conflicts from the past.

Make reunions count: Distance should help you appreciate each other even more. It is important to enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting. Knowing your next flight is already booked makes the time apart easier to bear. When you do meet, treat the time together as valuable quality time. Add variety and share new experiences by planning vacations where you meet up in a place other than your city or hers.

Plan a future together: The present time may not be the "present" for your relationship but there is no reason you can't share future dreams. Planning your future together can bring you closer to each other. Talk about your dream to make sure you are both planning the same thing. This will also build up good feeling towards each other.

Keep living your lives: One of the keys to making a long distance relationship work is that you maintain and nurture the important elements of your everyday life during the times when your partner is away; stay active socially, nurture relationships with friends and family members, and keep enjoying your favourite interests and activities. When done right, a long distance relationship offers something not normally found in more traditional relationships: Each of you has the opportunity to grow as individuals and enrich your own life in different places while still being part of a romantic, loving relationship.