Skype and texts will keep us together

Lauren Flinn virtually fell in love over a wireless connection. Even though more than 1,200 miles separated her from boyfriend Jeffrey Hartung -- she in North Carolina and he in Wisconsin -- the couple were able to develop their relationship through the tiny cameras embedded in their laptops.

"It's almost like having a date every night after work, except he's on his couch and I'm on mine," said Flinn, who has since moved to Minneapolis to be closer to Hartung. The couple, both 23, even shared their first "I love yous" and met each other's parents -- all through Skype.

Without technology, however, Flinn said: "I don't think it would've worked out."

Such is the case for many young couples in long-distance relationships, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when breakup rates spike. In fact, the first Monday in December is the most common day for breakups, according to Facebook data compiled by researchers David McCandless and Lee Byron.
Image via Wikipedia
But couples in thriving long-distance relationships and some relationship experts say the rules are changing and long-distance dating is no longer the recipe for disaster it once was. Instead, they argue that connecting through technology like Facebook, Skype and text messaging can improve the chance for long-term success.

That spells good news for the 3 million Americans who are estimated to be in long-distance relationships. Half of college students also are dating across the miles, according to a study published last year in the journal Communication Research. Even married couples -- some forced by the economy -- are in long-distance relationships to accommodate dual careers.

Making it work

As in any relationship, good old-fashioned verbal communication is key, especially across the miles.

"Long-distance relationships can work" and the people in them should be hopeful, said Debra Orbuch Grayson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnetonka. However, couples who regularly talk on the phone and Skype have a better chance for success than those who rely on Facebook and text messages, which can be misinterpreted, she said. In-person communication is best, but video chatting also allows couples to pick up on body language.

That is exactly why Flinn and Hartung Skype at least once a day. The couple have toured each other's apartments; they cook dinner and watch the same TV shows while chatting, and they are able to see what each other looks like after just waking up or getting home from the gym.

"Phone calls get old. ... When there's silence on the other end, you're not sure why," Flinn said. "But with Skype, he could see aspects of my life that he couldn't get on the phone." After Christmas, Hartung plans to move in with Flinn in her Minneapolis apartment.

Breaking up in the digital age

Other couples aren't so lucky. Take high school sweethearts, for example. As a general rule, relationships between couples who stayed together into college fizzled out, and usually by Thanksgiving -- and most certainly by Christmas -- they parted ways. The ritual is known as the "Turkey Drop" or "Turkey Dump" but some say the term is outdated.

"Hardly any high-school-turned-college relationships make it to Valentine's Day," said Marjorie Savage, the parent program director at the University of Minnesota, which warns parents of incoming freshmen about the toll a breakup can take on a college student's transition into his or her new life.

"In most cases, they've made up their minds well before Thanksgiving and they break up over Facebook."

Ironically, the same technology that keeps some lovers together across the miles is used to split up others. Rather than breaking it off in person, more people are delivering the bad news with the click of a mouse. A recent survey from consumer market research company Lab42 found that one-third of adults have broken up via Facebook, e-mail or text message.

Rachel Wells, 28, of Columbia Heights broke up with her boyfriend via voice mail. She waited until he was out of town because she worried that a face-to-face interaction would change her mind.

"I left a two-minute-long rambling phone message breaking it off and when I wanted to delete it after I replayed it, I couldn't," she said. "Nothing was worded how I wanted and the whole thing was really awkward."

Fascinated by the subject of breaking up via electronic media, Ilana Gershon, a professor at Indiana University, delved into the topic and interviewed 72 people, mostly students, about the topic. The results are published in Gershon's "The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media." While most of those interviewed agreed that speaking face-to-face was the best way to end a relationship, many had experienced a breakup through electronic media.

The discovery doesn't surprise Elyse Johnson, a student at St. Catherine's University, who tried without success to turn her high school relationship into a ollege one.

But what Johnson wasn't ready for was the effect new media had on her post-breakup. Not only did she misinterpret the meaning of text messages sent by her ex, but Johnson also got caught up with keeping tabs on him through his Facebook page. Eventually, she had to "unfriend" him.

"Breaking up in the 21st century is so difficult," she said. "Technology makes communication so easy, yet so much harder to move on."

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Dating a guy who's still married

Meredith,
I have been in a long-term, long-distance relationship with someone that I care for deeply. We are both mid-50s, have already had our families, have each had substantial therapy, and now have a loving relationship based on sincere open and honest communication.

Image via WikipediaThe long-distance is not a problem -- we actually like it -- but he's still married after many years and that has become a problem for me. I got my divorce finalized a few years ago and am so relieved to have it over. He has not moved on his divorce, claiming he didn't want "to rock the boat" when he moved out. Now, years later, his not-yet-ex has calmed down but is still a loose cannon. He says being technically married doesn't or shouldn't matter. He feels guilty about hurting her feelings. I think he is intimidated by her and afraid for how she might take it out on their children, plus, he doesn’t want to pay for a divorce lawyer. If he is waiting for her to make the first move, she has no motivation. It's never going to happen. She has the big house and all the trappings of a suburban housewife without letting on to the rest of the world what is really happening.

Despite our pride in our honest, open relationship, he has had a brick wall about this subject until I made an issue of it recently. We have no plans to get married; we don't even plan to move to one coast or the other. I truly do not think he would ever go back to his wife. Every day when he tells me he loves me, in the back of my head I think, "... but not enough to get divorced." And every day when I tell him that I love him, in the back of my mind I think, "... but I can't completely because he's not really available."

I don't know if I'm off base here. My usual reaction would be to cut and run, but everything else is so good with him. In the spirit of our openness, I kept talking and did not give up and neither did he. He finally realized that he had to explain himself to me and at least told me of the guilt factor. If the guilt is so strong, why doesn't he make amends?

Am I making this into too big a deal? Does it matter? Is this a deal breaker? Or is it ill-fated? I'm tired of dating a married man.

– Limbo Lady, Boston


A: This is a big deal, LL. You're dating a married man and you don't like it. Your comfort should mean more to him than his fear of causing trouble with his ex.
I do think that it's a deal-breaker. If he wants you, he can't be with her -- not in real life, not on paper.

Demand the divorce. Tell him that if he doesn't know how to start the process, he should head back to his therapist (and yes, pay for a lawyer).

And ... let me throw just one more thing out there, if you don't mind. You say that the distance doesn’t bother you, but ... doesn't it? Just a little bit?

I'm all for personal space, and I condone long-distance relationships that are either short-term or in neighboring cities, but for the most part, it's best to be physically close to the one you love. This distance is allowing him to avoid his responsibilities and to lie to his ex. It's certainly allowing him to remain stagnant with you. I want you to ask yourself: What is the plan for the future? How should this relationship look in two years? Does the distance really work?

Be honest. You're allowed to ask for everything you want.

Readers? Should she demand the divorce? Why isn't he getting divorced? Is age relevant here? Should she walk? Does the divorce paperwork really matter? What about the distance? Help.

– Meredith

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I Can Go The Distance

It is the beginning of a new year, which means that many of us are dealing with adjustments to or within long distance relationships. There are many people, “relationship experts” or otherwise, whose advice on long distance relationships (LDRs) is limited to one short sentence: don’t do it.

I will never be one of them. My first major relationship, with “Moose,” was always either long distance or functionally long distance due to driving ability/car access and, while it was not always easy, it is an experience that I would certainly be a different person without having, and one that I certainly would not deny others.

Of course there are drawbacks to having an LDR. One of the reasons that so many of them fail so soon out of the gate is that people forget to factor in these points and potential pitfalls. Nonetheless, they do have some benefits over short distance relationships (SDRs).

Ultimately, you have to consider every factor involved and think about what it actually means for your situation. So, what follows is my “Owner’s Manual to the LDR” – giving the pros and cons as I see them, along with some handy alliteration.

Communication

Image via WikipediaThere is no doubt that communication becomes a huge part of your relationship once the distance between you and your partner grows. But the common conception is that the two of you need to be in constant contact. This is absolutely not the case. As with any relationship, those involved need to figure out exactly what works for them and their lives. Unlike Swattie-on-Swattie relationships, in which you are likely to unintentionally run into each other five times each day, this means you might have to schedule times to talk to each other.

When Moose and I were together, we had a time every night when he would call me, and we kept it every evening without fail. On some days, that was a two minute conversation consisting of “I’m sorry, I’m so busy/have this commitment. I love you.” and on others it would last well over an hour. Sometimes we would send each other letters, but since Moose did not have texting and this was before the time of Skype (It was the dark ages), that was really the limit of our communication.

Technology is really the savior of many LDRs. You can text each other through the day, send each other photos, or talk on Skype so that you can see each other’s faces regularly. These things can really give the feeling of shortening the distance between you, as you are still active participants in each other’s lives.

(Conjugal) Visits

There is no question that LDRs are a huge time commitment. On a daily basis, you are probably cutting out time to communicate with each other, but visiting is a huge demand on your time as well. I have read that the general guideline for LDRs is that you should see each other at least once a month, but I feel like that can be stretched to two if necessary. Beyond that span, it becomes difficult to maintain, as relationships are so often built on shared experience and physical bonds, which do not happen when you are not in the same place.

But visits are often a huge effort. Depending on access and the actual distance involved, visits can involve anything from a subway ride to plane tickets. As the distance increases, so do the anxieties that go along with it. Travel costs money, something that is often in short supply as college students, especially if your parents are not willing or able to pitch in. And a visit is often a huge time suck in terms of schoolwork. Those in SDRs see each other in small doses over a period of time, but distant partners have concentrated time, which will often render an entire weekend or break nominally homework free time, as you will want to make the most of the limited time you have together. This can easily become a point of contention if you do not put out fairly equal effort into travelling. If possible, you should switch off visits so that one partner is not bearing the brunt of the travel burden.

This is difficult, but it also means that the time you have together will probably be more meaningful. Every moment you spend with someone you love but rarely see feels special. You also often try to fill them with exciting adventures, rather than patterns of casual, unfocused hangout time. I love vegging with a movie more than most, but it is the new and exciting experiences that will go further to bonding you as a couple.

Contact

I am not going to lie, sex is really difficult if you are in an LDR. It turns simple occurrences, like a period coinciding with a visit, into tragedies. For those of us with roommates, it also can be quite difficult to explore other outlets, such as phone sex or masturbation. There are also people who are really uncomfortable with the concept of phone sex, which can be frustrating if you are in a relationship with them and do not feel the same way.

There is also the factor of general physicality. When your partner is miles away, you cannot hug them, spoon them, hold their hand. These other aspects of physical intimacy can be even harder to go without, as they cannot be mimicked with an active imagination and a hand or a vibrator. Holding your own hand or playing with your own hair just does not cut it. Some people are able to get this fulfillment through their other relationships, but our culture does not really support physically close friendships, so we are often left without a real outlet for our desire for physical intimacy.

Connection

All of the effort that inherently goes into LDRs can make for stronger relationships. You have to figure out how your partner communicates and work with it. You have to deal with significantly more minor issues that pop up as a result of the distance and talk through them rather than working them out, Bloodhound Gang style. Your relationship also much better resists the stasis that often plagues long-term relationships because you have to keep talking to each other.

On the other hand, LDRs are also much more flexible in terms of structure. You can share every detail of your life with each other, or you can be predominantly independent and only actually talk every few days. And each of these choices is an active decision, so you ultimately tend to have a much better handle both on what your relationship is and on what you want.

One of my exes is now in a long distance relationship in which they are not all that active in each other’s lives. The distance worked out quite well for them, giving each other the space they each want while still enabling them to feel close. Conversely, I have a friend who lives in Chicago and her wife is living in London. They talk to each other every day and often try to fall asleep with each other on Skype. Because of money issues, they have not been able to visit each other for almost a year, but they are going to be reunited in October.

A shift into long distance can also illuminate the potential of a relationship. When your boyfriend graduates or your girlfriend moves, you learn much earlier how well your relationship can adapt to the changes that living brings about, before taking big steps like living together or getting married.

Of course LDRs have their difficulties. They are relationships. We just emphasize these factors in LDRs because they deviate from the norm.

There is no shame in deciding that LDRs are not for you, or that you are not willing or able to put out the effort that it takes for a specific relationship. But there is a lot of value in distant relationships that their closer counterparts just cannot match, and with the right person, I promise that they are worth it.

If all else fails, just hum “I can go the distance.” Hercules would approve.

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Making a long distance relationship work

Most of us share a healthy scepticism about long distance relationships; they are certainly difficult to sustain over the long term. Whether because of career commitments, family obligations or educational pursuits, having to live in different locations for the majority of time is bound to alter the dynamics of any romantic relationship and poses unique challenges that couples living together rarely face.

Being together and spending time with each other are keys to building a healthy, lasting relationship. While separation clearly makes this more challenging, my experience tells me that long distance relationships are more likely to be successful when both partners are strongly committed to the relationship and each is willing to make the extra effort to overcome distance-related obstacles.

Keep the connection strong: When distance separates you and your partner, being in love isn't enough by itself to sustain a strong romantic connection. Communication and adequate contact are critical. Be creative and consider choosing several different ways beyond the telephone to stay in contact; technology has made this much easier thanks to innovations like social networking, online chat, instant messaging, VDO calls and text messaging.

Update each other about new things you've experienced, focus on positive topics, be supportive of each other, and tell your partner how much you miss him. Take note of the strong connection rule-of-thumb: View each conversation as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and get closer to your partner.

Don't overdo the phone calls: A phone call every day should be more than enough to keep a feeling of closeness between partners; any more than that may begin to feel more like an annoyance. Remember, multiple phone calls and messages day after day may be more like stalking than talking.

Speaking by phone once or twice a week should be enough for a typical long distance couple. This less-than-daily frequency will make for more exciting updates to share and allows for anticipation to build before the next call. Giving your partner some "space" can help both of you maintain enough independence and freedom - two important components of long distance relationships that succeed.

Trust your partner: When you're in a long distance relationship, you are no longer an integral part of your partner's daily activities. Not knowing precisely what one's partner is doing at any given moment can be a source of great anxiety and insecurity for some people. If you want your long distance relationship to succeed and endure, you need to learn how to trust your partner or recognise that the relationship is not going to work. Give each other the freedom to live your lives independently; fight the temptation to exert control and to don't give voice to your suspicions.

Keep your relationship sexy: Even for couples living thousands of miles apart, sex is still important. Given that time together is limited, when you see each other, seize at least some the opportunities as they come along - opportunities that will enable you and your loved one to share many intimate experiences together.

When you can't be together physically, my advice is to use technology for "sexting" (i.e. sending intimate text messages). You can also try "cybersex" or phone sex. It may feel awkward at first, but soon enough you'll grow more comfortable. These relatively new methods help boost excitement and stimulate mutual attractions; the next time you both are "in the mood", you'll almost surely enjoy a romantic experience that feels more exciting and memorable.

Avoid fighting: Separation can be a stressful and frustrating experience that eventually can lead to conflict. Be ready to admit you're wrong and say "I'm sorry" and keep communicating openly and honestly. Avoid digging up conflicts from the past.

Make reunions count: Distance should help you appreciate each other even more. It is important to enjoy the anticipation that comes with waiting. Knowing your next flight is already booked makes the time apart easier to bear. When you do meet, treat the time together as valuable quality time. Add variety and share new experiences by planning vacations where you meet up in a place other than your city or hers.

Plan a future together: The present time may not be the "present" for your relationship but there is no reason you can't share future dreams. Planning your future together can bring you closer to each other. Talk about your dream to make sure you are both planning the same thing. This will also build up good feeling towards each other.

Keep living your lives: One of the keys to making a long distance relationship work is that you maintain and nurture the important elements of your everyday life during the times when your partner is away; stay active socially, nurture relationships with friends and family members, and keep enjoying your favourite interests and activities. When done right, a long distance relationship offers something not normally found in more traditional relationships: Each of you has the opportunity to grow as individuals and enrich your own life in different places while still being part of a romantic, loving relationship.