Skype and texts will keep us together

Lauren Flinn virtually fell in love over a wireless connection. Even though more than 1,200 miles separated her from boyfriend Jeffrey Hartung -- she in North Carolina and he in Wisconsin -- the couple were able to develop their relationship through the tiny cameras embedded in their laptops.

"It's almost like having a date every night after work, except he's on his couch and I'm on mine," said Flinn, who has since moved to Minneapolis to be closer to Hartung. The couple, both 23, even shared their first "I love yous" and met each other's parents -- all through Skype.

Without technology, however, Flinn said: "I don't think it would've worked out."

Such is the case for many young couples in long-distance relationships, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when breakup rates spike. In fact, the first Monday in December is the most common day for breakups, according to Facebook data compiled by researchers David McCandless and Lee Byron.
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But couples in thriving long-distance relationships and some relationship experts say the rules are changing and long-distance dating is no longer the recipe for disaster it once was. Instead, they argue that connecting through technology like Facebook, Skype and text messaging can improve the chance for long-term success.

That spells good news for the 3 million Americans who are estimated to be in long-distance relationships. Half of college students also are dating across the miles, according to a study published last year in the journal Communication Research. Even married couples -- some forced by the economy -- are in long-distance relationships to accommodate dual careers.

Making it work

As in any relationship, good old-fashioned verbal communication is key, especially across the miles.

"Long-distance relationships can work" and the people in them should be hopeful, said Debra Orbuch Grayson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnetonka. However, couples who regularly talk on the phone and Skype have a better chance for success than those who rely on Facebook and text messages, which can be misinterpreted, she said. In-person communication is best, but video chatting also allows couples to pick up on body language.

That is exactly why Flinn and Hartung Skype at least once a day. The couple have toured each other's apartments; they cook dinner and watch the same TV shows while chatting, and they are able to see what each other looks like after just waking up or getting home from the gym.

"Phone calls get old. ... When there's silence on the other end, you're not sure why," Flinn said. "But with Skype, he could see aspects of my life that he couldn't get on the phone." After Christmas, Hartung plans to move in with Flinn in her Minneapolis apartment.

Breaking up in the digital age

Other couples aren't so lucky. Take high school sweethearts, for example. As a general rule, relationships between couples who stayed together into college fizzled out, and usually by Thanksgiving -- and most certainly by Christmas -- they parted ways. The ritual is known as the "Turkey Drop" or "Turkey Dump" but some say the term is outdated.

"Hardly any high-school-turned-college relationships make it to Valentine's Day," said Marjorie Savage, the parent program director at the University of Minnesota, which warns parents of incoming freshmen about the toll a breakup can take on a college student's transition into his or her new life.

"In most cases, they've made up their minds well before Thanksgiving and they break up over Facebook."

Ironically, the same technology that keeps some lovers together across the miles is used to split up others. Rather than breaking it off in person, more people are delivering the bad news with the click of a mouse. A recent survey from consumer market research company Lab42 found that one-third of adults have broken up via Facebook, e-mail or text message.

Rachel Wells, 28, of Columbia Heights broke up with her boyfriend via voice mail. She waited until he was out of town because she worried that a face-to-face interaction would change her mind.

"I left a two-minute-long rambling phone message breaking it off and when I wanted to delete it after I replayed it, I couldn't," she said. "Nothing was worded how I wanted and the whole thing was really awkward."

Fascinated by the subject of breaking up via electronic media, Ilana Gershon, a professor at Indiana University, delved into the topic and interviewed 72 people, mostly students, about the topic. The results are published in Gershon's "The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media." While most of those interviewed agreed that speaking face-to-face was the best way to end a relationship, many had experienced a breakup through electronic media.

The discovery doesn't surprise Elyse Johnson, a student at St. Catherine's University, who tried without success to turn her high school relationship into a ollege one.

But what Johnson wasn't ready for was the effect new media had on her post-breakup. Not only did she misinterpret the meaning of text messages sent by her ex, but Johnson also got caught up with keeping tabs on him through his Facebook page. Eventually, she had to "unfriend" him.

"Breaking up in the 21st century is so difficult," she said. "Technology makes communication so easy, yet so much harder to move on."

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Men who flaunt flashy cars not the 'marrying kind'

Researchers from Rice University, the University of Texas-San Antonio and the University of Minnesota found that men's conspicuous spending is often driven by the desire to have uncommitted romantic flings. They also pointed out that although flashy spending may get a woman's attention, she won't be picking out china patterns any time soon.
"This research suggests that conspicuous products, such as Porsches, can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks," study author Jill Sundie, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas-San Antonio, said in a news release from Rice University.
Just as peacocks flaunt their brightly colored tails to attract potential mates, certain men show off flashy products to draw the attention of women, the study found. The researchers also indicated that the men who pursued this strategy were only interested in short-term sexual relationships.
In analyzing more than 1,000 men, researchers revealed that being in possession of a Porsche or another flashy luxury product did make a man more desirable to women than owning a nonluxury item, such as a Honda Civic. However, the attraction ended there.
While women who did find a man who drove a Porsche more attractive as a date, she did not find him more desirable as a marriage partner for a long-term committed relationship, the study authors said.
In fact, researchers found that women inferred from men's flashy spending that they were only interested in uncommitted sex.
"When women considered him for a long-term relationship, owning the sports car held no advantage relative to owning an economy car," study co-author Daniel Beal, an assistant professor of psychology at Rice University, said in the news release. "People may feel that owning flashy things makes them more attractive as a relationship partner, but in truth, many men might be sending women the wrong message."
The study authors suggested that when it comes to attracting potential dates, women do not share men's conspicuous spending habits.
"Obviously, women also spend plenty of money on expensive things," Sundie said. "But the anticipation of romance doesn't trigger flashy spending as it does with some men."

Are Flashy Spenders Looking for a Fling?

Flashy spending is one way that men signal they want to mate -- but not that they want to mate for life, a study shows.

"This research suggests that conspicuous products, such as Porsches, can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks," study researcher Jill Sundie, PhD, assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas, San Antonio, says in a news release.

The study is published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

The researchers surveyed nearly a thousand university students. Those students read romantic stories, spent fictional cash on a variety of flashy and not so flashy items, and judged people's attractiveness based in part on the possessions they owned.

The study found that men who are interested in short-term mating -- think one-night stands -- are more likely to spend money on flashy products meant to broadcast their desire. And it apparently works. Such men are seen as more attractive, but only by women who are likewise only looking for a short-term sexual relationship.

"Although showy spending is often perceived as wasteful, frivolous, and even narcissistic, an evolutionary perspective suggests that blatant displays of resources may serve an important function, namely, as a communication strategy designed to gain reproductive rewards," the researchers write in the study.

Sending the Wrong Signal

Of course, not all women are drawn to conspicuous consumption.

"People may feel that owning flashy things makes them more attractive as a relationship partner, but in truth, many men might be sending women the wrong message," co-researcher David Beal, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Rice University in Houston, says in the news release.

Not all men choose to send the same message. According to the study, those who were looking for long-term relationships with a woman were not likely to spend money on showy products. Instead, they spent their money on things like toaster ovens and budget-priced jeans rather than on designer sunglasses and expensive stereos.

But there will always be men willing to fork over real money to impress the ladies.

"Just as peacocks have evolved to flaunt their wasteful tails before potential mates," the researchers write, "men might similarly woo with wasteful expenditures to charm potential mates."

Porsche drivers get the girls, but don’t keep them long term

Driving a Porsche increases your chances of having a short-term sexual relationship with a woman but is likely to have a negative impact if you are looking for something more serious.



That’s the official word from a joint study by three universities in the US, which involved nearly 1000 test subjects, analysing women’s attitudes towards flashy purchases.

Lead author of the report and assistant professor of marketing at the University of Texas San Antonio, Jill Sundie, said men who were interested in short-term sexual relationships with women would often flaunt flashy products to charm potential mates.

“This research suggests that conspicuous products, such as Porsches, can serve the same function for some men that large and brilliant feathers serve for peacocks,” Ms Sundie said.

The researchers said women found a man who purchased flashy items (like a Porsche) more desirable than the same man who purchased non-luxury items (like a Honda Civic).



However, while the Porsche owner was more desirable for a date, he was not a preferred marriage partner. Women inferred flashy purchases meant the man was primarily interested in uncommitted sex.

“When women considered him for a long-term relationship, owning the sports car held no advantage relative to owning an economy car,” said assistant professor of psychology at Rice University, Daniel Beal.

“People may feel that owning flashy things makes them more attractive as a relationship partner, but in truth, many men might be sending women the wrong message.”



On the flipside, the researchers found that women don’t behave in the same manner and don’t make obvious purchases with the intention of attracting men.

“Obviously, women also spend plenty of money on expensive things,” Ms Sundie said. “But the anticipation of romance doesn’t trigger flashy spending as it does with some men.”

What do you make of the report? Guys: Is a Porsche the ultimate car if you’re after a quick fling? And girls: Are Porsche drivers really only after one thing?

Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.