'Cougars?' How About 'Sought After Mature Women?'

The media hype about older women seeking out young men for sexual contact has about worn me down. As a relationship therapist for four decades, I have certainly defended many unfairly labeled "dirty old men," who were just guys who fell in love with younger women for their beauty, energy, and potential for having children. Many of my older male patients have wanted to start families again and have created great second marriages.

Image via WikipediaNow I have a whole new group of valuable people to defend. In the past several years, I've had the pleasure of working with older women in relationships with often much younger men. They are not the "older women who frequent clubs to score sexually with younger men," as the new, and unfair definition is of "Cougars." They are quality, mature women who have been actively sought after by younger men for long-term, committed relationships. Yes, sex is an important part of their relationship, but there is so much more.

Currently, I am working with five couples where the women are five to eighteen years older than their male partners. All of them are in committed relationships. They come into therapy to work on typical issues that all couples face, but also on the challenges that they receive regularly from the outside. Society still has deep prejudices against older women with younger men, unfairly non-reciprocal when the genders are reversed.

I ask these young men what attracts them to their women. They regularly tell me things like:

"She is so incredibly smart about life,"
"She is so easy to be with, nothing fazes her,"
"She tracks me so well. I never have to explain myself or feel badly about who I am. I've never felt this known and still loved,"
"It is so great to be with someone who isn't so concerned about what people think about her. The confidence she feels about herself and what she has to offer is an amazing turn-on."

Here's what the women say:

"He is so caring and appreciative of the things I do for him that are second nature to me."
"He makes me feel beautiful and desirable."
"He is so great with my kids."
"He's always up for any adventure. So many of the older guys I dated were uninterested in the exciting things I love to do."
"He helps me so much, often before I even have to ask."

Their most pressing problem is the discrimination they face. These couples get so many covert and overt negative comments from people that clearly indicate their discomfort: Jealous friends, kids who think moms shouldn't be in love, competitive ex-husbands who may feel displaced by a younger man, implied differences in capacity to provide for financial needs, prejudices against mature women who are "robbing the cradle," and stereotypes about older women only wanting younger men for better sex. And those are only a few.

Here's one example:

Vicky and Hal met in a book club three years ago. Vicky's husband had left her four years earlier to marry a woman twenty years younger. Her kids were torn between their concern for their mom and wanting to accept his new wife. Their dad insisted they get over the fact that his new girlfriend was only six years older than his daughters and wanted them to be "great friends."

Hal was just getting over a long-term relationship with his past girl-friend and discouraged over the women he'd been dating. So many of them were over-indulgent and self-serving, looking for money and a good time. He'd felt like they just didn't understand what it was like to spend so many years building a career and trying to pay off the huge debt he'd incurred.

Vicky seemed sincerely concerned. Twelve years older than Hal, she was wonderfully alive, kind, and calm, paying careful attention when he shared his conflicts and broken dreams. He never thought about the age difference between them as a barrier to their growing intimacy. The more time they spent together, the greater their friendship deepened. Neither thought it would be anything more than that but after a year, it blossomed into a romantic relationship.

At first, her girls thought it a little odd that their mom would spend so much time with someone so much younger than she, but Hal was such a great guy and so much fun to be around. Hanging out as a family became more natural and easy over time. They had to ward off many derogatory remarks from other people, especially from their dad, but they eagerly defended their mom's choice.

Their dad didn't do as well. Somehow feeling oddly displaced, he told Vicky that he wanted to reduce the alimony he was paying her, and told her she should "get money from her new friend for his services." He also regularly told her that people were laughing at her behind her back. Though sensitive and concerned about what people were saying, Vicky took comfort in the wonderful relationship she and Hal were creating.

One of the new modal points for divorce is women over sixty leaving sedate, often self-indulgent husbands who no longer think that romance is necessary in a long-term relationship. These more mature women are searching for men who still love an active relationship, are open to new adventures, energetic in their romantic commitments, and love women who have a combination of all of those same desires plus the maturity that life's lessons provide. What is wrong with that pairing and why can't this society offer that to its women without the derogatory descriptions that seem to be proliferating?

In Ben Franklin's 1745 essay, "Advice on the Choice of a Mistress," he gives eight reasons why a young man should prefer an older woman. First he advocates why marriage is always better than a casual relationship, but then advises that, if a man is not ready, he should definitely seek out the company of a mature woman over a younger one. Though Ben's mores do reflect the times, he tells his advice-seeker that older women have better minds, offer more interesting conversation, are good at heart, have usually satisfied their need to have children, are unlikely to exploit, give excellent counsel, and are sexually desirable and knowledgeable about good love-making.

People lived much shorter lives then, and Ben was probably not talking about long-term committed relationships, but the descriptions of mature women are not very different from what younger men today feel about their older women partners. Could we possibly come up with a different description and definition of wonderful women who are treasured by their younger men than "Cougars?"

Related articles

• Do you love is far from us? (datingrulez.com)
• Gloucester is the 'cougar capital' of Britain as survey shows more than half of UK women want a toyboy (dailymail.co.uk)
• Can cougar/cub relationships ever work? (thesun.co.uk)
• A Cougar Encounter (kdaddy23.wordpress.com)
• "Party Girl" Anna David and the Wounded Cougar (psychologytoday.com)

Skype and texts will keep us together

Lauren Flinn virtually fell in love over a wireless connection. Even though more than 1,200 miles separated her from boyfriend Jeffrey Hartung -- she in North Carolina and he in Wisconsin -- the couple were able to develop their relationship through the tiny cameras embedded in their laptops.

"It's almost like having a date every night after work, except he's on his couch and I'm on mine," said Flinn, who has since moved to Minneapolis to be closer to Hartung. The couple, both 23, even shared their first "I love yous" and met each other's parents -- all through Skype.

Without technology, however, Flinn said: "I don't think it would've worked out."

Such is the case for many young couples in long-distance relationships, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when breakup rates spike. In fact, the first Monday in December is the most common day for breakups, according to Facebook data compiled by researchers David McCandless and Lee Byron.
Image via Wikipedia
But couples in thriving long-distance relationships and some relationship experts say the rules are changing and long-distance dating is no longer the recipe for disaster it once was. Instead, they argue that connecting through technology like Facebook, Skype and text messaging can improve the chance for long-term success.

That spells good news for the 3 million Americans who are estimated to be in long-distance relationships. Half of college students also are dating across the miles, according to a study published last year in the journal Communication Research. Even married couples -- some forced by the economy -- are in long-distance relationships to accommodate dual careers.

Making it work

As in any relationship, good old-fashioned verbal communication is key, especially across the miles.

"Long-distance relationships can work" and the people in them should be hopeful, said Debra Orbuch Grayson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnetonka. However, couples who regularly talk on the phone and Skype have a better chance for success than those who rely on Facebook and text messages, which can be misinterpreted, she said. In-person communication is best, but video chatting also allows couples to pick up on body language.

That is exactly why Flinn and Hartung Skype at least once a day. The couple have toured each other's apartments; they cook dinner and watch the same TV shows while chatting, and they are able to see what each other looks like after just waking up or getting home from the gym.

"Phone calls get old. ... When there's silence on the other end, you're not sure why," Flinn said. "But with Skype, he could see aspects of my life that he couldn't get on the phone." After Christmas, Hartung plans to move in with Flinn in her Minneapolis apartment.

Breaking up in the digital age

Other couples aren't so lucky. Take high school sweethearts, for example. As a general rule, relationships between couples who stayed together into college fizzled out, and usually by Thanksgiving -- and most certainly by Christmas -- they parted ways. The ritual is known as the "Turkey Drop" or "Turkey Dump" but some say the term is outdated.

"Hardly any high-school-turned-college relationships make it to Valentine's Day," said Marjorie Savage, the parent program director at the University of Minnesota, which warns parents of incoming freshmen about the toll a breakup can take on a college student's transition into his or her new life.

"In most cases, they've made up their minds well before Thanksgiving and they break up over Facebook."

Ironically, the same technology that keeps some lovers together across the miles is used to split up others. Rather than breaking it off in person, more people are delivering the bad news with the click of a mouse. A recent survey from consumer market research company Lab42 found that one-third of adults have broken up via Facebook, e-mail or text message.

Rachel Wells, 28, of Columbia Heights broke up with her boyfriend via voice mail. She waited until he was out of town because she worried that a face-to-face interaction would change her mind.

"I left a two-minute-long rambling phone message breaking it off and when I wanted to delete it after I replayed it, I couldn't," she said. "Nothing was worded how I wanted and the whole thing was really awkward."

Fascinated by the subject of breaking up via electronic media, Ilana Gershon, a professor at Indiana University, delved into the topic and interviewed 72 people, mostly students, about the topic. The results are published in Gershon's "The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media." While most of those interviewed agreed that speaking face-to-face was the best way to end a relationship, many had experienced a breakup through electronic media.

The discovery doesn't surprise Elyse Johnson, a student at St. Catherine's University, who tried without success to turn her high school relationship into a ollege one.

But what Johnson wasn't ready for was the effect new media had on her post-breakup. Not only did she misinterpret the meaning of text messages sent by her ex, but Johnson also got caught up with keeping tabs on him through his Facebook page. Eventually, she had to "unfriend" him.

"Breaking up in the 21st century is so difficult," she said. "Technology makes communication so easy, yet so much harder to move on."

Related articles

• Long-Distance Relationship Pillow of the Day (geeks.thedailywh.at)
• ARA: My long-distance boyfriend says we don't talk enough (timesunion.com)
• How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work (sumalno.wordpress.com)
• Seyfried Makes Long-Distance Relationship Work (since1910.com)
• How To Keep Your Social Life Alive In A Long-Distance Relationship [Social Minefield] (jezebel.com)

A Faith That Can Change Is A Faith That Lasts

If you're reading this, you might be irrelevant. Don't feel bad: I could be too.

It's easy for people of faith to wonder about their relevancy in a post-faith world. We cherish beliefs and insights that a great deal of our culture now ignores. That puts us on the periphery of many dialogues around the issues of our day.

Take sex and marriage. In my own life, I've experienced the incredible treasures long-term monogamy can bestow, and I would wish those blessings on anyone. I also happen to believe that sex can be far richer and more fulfilling in the context of commitment. (These two perspectives, in turn, happen to inform my ardent belief in marriage equality.)

Image via WikipediaBut the "general conversation" of our culture has moved on. Nowadays, sex in most romantic contexts is taken for granted. Millions of people are navigating entirely different issues: the trauma (and sometimes the joy) of divorce, the issues surrounding single parenthood, expectations around dating, choices of birth control, adoption or abortion. Moral discussions of living together before marriage, and even the word monogamy itself, sound quaint nowadays, relics of a distant past.

This isn't just an issue with sex and marriage. In an era when dominant world views have given way to individual choice, the shoulds and oughts traditionally associated with religion hold less influence. Many in our secular world wonder why we hold on to ancient beliefs at all, particularly when science and reason seem more than adequate replacements. Grand Moff Tarkin's words to Darth Vader have an eerie ring in this context: "The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion."

Where does this leave people of faith? It leaves us, I think, in search of a new way to live out our beliefs in the world -- a way that is both faithful to what we treasure and helpful to those around us.

This is actually a good thing, because the old way wasn't all sweetness and light. Once upon a time, long-standing traditions dictated the terms of beliefs and morals. This held true whether the morals had merit or were out-and-out destructive: society exerted tremendous pressure in favor of family stability and nurturing homes for children, but it also condemned interracial marriage and same-sex relationships. People of faith didn't have to think through each and every value they held; the dominant social paradigm essentially told them what to think.

Not anymore. In a vastly more diverse world, with an emerging secular consensus that has left them behind, people of faith now face two challenges: to revisit their values, and to change the way they talk (and listen) with the world.

On the values side, the challenge of new ideas and norms invites us to ask questions we had no need to ask 50 years ago. Take the once widespread belief that sex belonged exclusively within the bounds of formal, government-sanctioned marriage. Why have we, as people of faith, believed that in the past? Have the new ideas and norms exposed a flaw in that thinking? Is it a stance that people of faith should still uphold? Should we look deeper into that belief and perhaps uphold a slightly different ideal, like sex in the context of commitment?

To see how this might change our beliefs, take another look at the third paragraph of this article. There was a time when I would have said that long-term monogamy is the ideal for all couples, and that sex outside of marriage is immoral. The process of questioning has led me to a somewhat different stance: still faithful to my understanding of relationship and commitment, but now informed by what the new realities of our society have to tell us.

And how do we relate our revisited beliefs to the world? Rather than proclaim shoulds and oughts from a position of authority -- and thus doom ourselves to being ignored -- we can model these beliefs and join the general conversation. So I don't go around telling my divorced friends they should have stayed married. That kind of approach is both cruel and, more likely than not, inaccurate. I can, however, live out and share the joy that comes from my own long-term relationship while being fully present to my friends and loved ones whose experience is vastly different.

Some might interpret this approach as another liberal effort to "get with the times" -- to let the morals of the age dictate the values of faith. It is not. Rather, it is an invitation to dig deeper into our faith while spreading the love and will of God in a way that resonates with the people of our age.

Related articles

• Above reproach: why do we never question fidelity? (tigerbeatdown.com)
• "Unable Even To Think In Empirical Terms" (freethoughtblogs.com)
• A Debate About The Value of Permanent Promiscuity (freethoughtblogs.com)
• Monagamous Marriage: The Glue That Holds Our Society Together! (erasetheneed.wordpress.com)
• On Rejecting Faith in Morality (freethoughtblogs.com)

Online Dating is Free for Girls at Cupid Plc

Millions of UK Internet users are signed up to online dating sites that have loads of fun features, which can help people find the type of date that they are looking for.
With some of the new trendy dating websites people can chat live with members of the opposite sex and see who’s been looking at others profile! It’s easy to search for the kind of date you are looking for as people can choose by age, location and specific categories. Another new trend is the ability to flirt quickly for example by sending a “wink” or even the same email message to multiple users, which saves you valuable time.
Online dating is really popular in the UK and “Which?” magazine reports that sixty-two percent of the 1,504 people interviewed agreed that it was easier to meet someone on an online dating site than in other ways. “Which?” also discovered that the under 35’s were more likely to know someone who had been on a date, or had been in a long term relationship with someone they met through arranging a date online.
Industry research indicates that in 2007 alone, more than 22 million people visited relationship websites looking for love or fun relationships, and more than 2 million Britons are signed up to singles sites. The study also found that of those people who use websites in an attempt to find the perfect partner, 20 percent have gone on to marry someone they met on the internet.
Internet dates are just as likely, if not more likely to lead to a long-term relationship. This is because, unlike meeting someone in a bar, people can find out a potential partner’s interests before they actually meet them.
Statistically, men are more likely to find true love on the Internet than women; this is one of the reasons why some of the modern internet sites are keen to encourage more women, in an attempt to address the balance between the two sexes.
More girls than ever are turning to online dating sites as a way to find their ideal partner. This is because there is a big choice of potential partners and girls can choose their strict criteria as well as searching without the fear of rejection. Dating sites allow girls the opportunity to maintain control of their dating world, and with access to thousands of single men looking for a match it can be a rewarding experience.
With many online dating sites men and women can register for free. This means anyone can check out what is going on before they commit to a monthly fee and see the type of people available on the website first in a relaxed and friendly environment.
About Cupid PLC
Cupid Plc, who operates the “girls date for free” website, has grown to become a market leader since its entry into the online dating industry in 2005. The company now boasts over 13 million registrants in 29 countries with a growing proportion of members coming from outside of the UK. “Girls date for free” is rated at as a Top 10 website by “Hitwise”. For more information visit http://www.girlsdateforfree.com.

STAY HOT - AND BOTHERED - THIS SUMMER

The weather's getting hot - but for many Canadian couples, their love life is, well, not. As the years pass by, things can often get a little too comfortable (date night on the couch, anyone?) and relationships can go from blockbuster - to lackluster.
In fact, the latest K-Y® Brand Intimacy Report found that while most Canadians in long-term relationships (84 per cent) are open to discussing intimacy and sex with their partners, this tendency wanes as the time goes by. And while 57 per cent of couples who've been in a relationship for three to five years say they're getting busy between the sheets once a week or more, that number decreases for couples who've been together for more than 10 years.

Canadians want to ramp up their romps - 75 per cent of Canadians say they have at least some interest in increasing the level of 'playfulness' they experience during sex with their partners. So what's the problem?
"It's easy for sex to get sidelined by our ever-growing to-do lists - and eventually, 'let's hit the sheets' literally ends up meaning 'we need to get some sleep'!" says Dr. Teesha Morgan, practicing sex therapist. "Fortunately, summer is the perfect time of year to feel the heat - in more ways than one."

Teesha's top tips for the most sizzling summer yet
To help get Canadians started, Teesha offers the following tips to keep things sizzling, all summer long:

Get out of the bedroom! The survey found that most Canadians in long-term relationships have more sex with their partners while on vacation outside of their home (54 per cent). Can't get out of town? Even an overnight stay at a local hotel (or a tent in the backyard!) can bring a new level of excitement between the sheets. Sleeping bag for two, anyone?

Try new games - According the survey, the most popular sources for ideas that can be used in the bedroom are films (20 per cent) and Internet searches (17 per cent). Been there, done that! There are lots of other ways to find erotic inspiration. For example - find a picture of something that really turns you on and cut it up, so that the individual pieces look like a puzzle. Then over the week, place each piece in areas throughout the house that your partner will find (in a shoe, under a pillow, in their lingerie drawer, etc). It's then up to your partner to collect them - and get busy on figuring out what to do next!

Find your fantasy - Build a verbal fantasy together and watch it get physical pretty quick! For example, one person can say a line like, "We light a few candles and sit down on the couch for a glass of wine," and then the other person might say, "You're wearing a little white slip and your hair is in curls." It goes back and forth until you just can't keep your hands off each other. This technique can be used for non-sexual things too - like what a perfect date would look like, what you want your future to look like, etc.

A little conflict can be a good thing! Stimulating topics that may cause conflicts (instead of avoiding them!) can be important to communicating wants and desires. Pick an evening once a month to discuss things that are 'tender' in nature, when both you and your partner are calm and prepared for the discussion.

Welcome new experiences and ideas. Spice up your true-and-tested routine by trying new things together! A sensual massage, never-tried-before positions, and anything outside your standard fare are sure to bring mystery and adventure into your intimate life and keep things fresh between the sheets. K-Y® Brand offers a variety of personal lubricant and body massage product options, all of which provide fun ways to help Canadian couples heat up their summer!
K-Y® Brand helps Canadians get hot and bothered
This summer, Teesha and K-Y® Brand are helping Canadians bring the heat back to the bedroom. Starting on June 15, for 12 weeks, Teesha will be answering couples' most pressing sex and intimacy questions as part of the K-Y® Brand Intimacy Booth at www.Facebook.com/IntimacyExperiment.

All questions can be submitted anonymously to Teesha, and select answers will be posted weekly in video responses and shared with the community. The site will also feature videos from the popular K-Y® Brand Intimacy Experiment™ series in addition to a collaborative community environment where couples can learn, listen and share.

"It's all about getting the conversation going and realizing that lots of other couples are looking for ways to get the sparks flying again in their relationships too," says Dr. Morgan. "By proactively asking questions and seeking out new experiences, couples can truly re-connect and find that hot new-love passion once again."

For more information on the full range of K-Y® Brand products, visit www.k-y.ca.

About the Survey
The K-Y® Brand Intimacy Report survey was conducted in April 2011 by Vision Critical on behalf of K-Y® Brand among English-speaking Canadians age 25 years and older who have been in a long-term relationship for three or more years. The total sample size for this study is 1,008, with a margin of error of +/- 3.1% 19 times out of 20.

About K-Y® Brand
Trusted for a reason, K-Y® Brand is the number one selling personal lubricant1 and doctor recommended brand in Canada.2 K-Y® Brand offers a wide variety of personal lubricant options to help consumers put fun and intimacy back where they belong - together. The latest product line couples can have fun exploring is the new K-Y® Brand TOUCH™ 2-in-1 Warming Oil and Personal Lubricant.

_______________________________
1 AC Nielsen, L52wks 2011
2 2008 Physicians Counselling & Recommendations survey



Read more: http://www.digitaljournal.com/pr/344058#ixzz1Q3RTIbW2