"It's almost like having a date every night after work, except he's on his couch and I'm on mine," said Flinn, who has since moved to Minneapolis to be closer to Hartung. The couple, both 23, even shared their first "I love yous" and met each other's parents -- all through Skype.
Without technology, however, Flinn said: "I don't think it would've worked out."
Such is the case for many young couples in long-distance relationships, especially between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when breakup rates spike. In fact, the first Monday in December is the most common day for breakups, according to Facebook data compiled by researchers David McCandless and Lee Byron.
Image via WikipediaBut couples in thriving long-distance relationships and some relationship experts say the rules are changing and long-distance dating is no longer the recipe for disaster it once was. Instead, they argue that connecting through technology like Facebook, Skype and text messaging can improve the chance for long-term success.
That spells good news for the 3 million Americans who are estimated to be in long-distance relationships. Half of college students also are dating across the miles, according to a study published last year in the journal Communication Research. Even married couples -- some forced by the economy -- are in long-distance relationships to accommodate dual careers.
Making it work
As in any relationship, good old-fashioned verbal communication is key, especially across the miles.
"Long-distance relationships can work" and the people in them should be hopeful, said Debra Orbuch Grayson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minnetonka. However, couples who regularly talk on the phone and Skype have a better chance for success than those who rely on Facebook and text messages, which can be misinterpreted, she said. In-person communication is best, but video chatting also allows couples to pick up on body language.
That is exactly why Flinn and Hartung Skype at least once a day. The couple have toured each other's apartments; they cook dinner and watch the same TV shows while chatting, and they are able to see what each other looks like after just waking up or getting home from the gym.
"Phone calls get old. ... When there's silence on the other end, you're not sure why," Flinn said. "But with Skype, he could see aspects of my life that he couldn't get on the phone." After Christmas, Hartung plans to move in with Flinn in her Minneapolis apartment.
Breaking up in the digital age
Other couples aren't so lucky. Take high school sweethearts, for example. As a general rule, relationships between couples who stayed together into college fizzled out, and usually by Thanksgiving -- and most certainly by Christmas -- they parted ways. The ritual is known as the "Turkey Drop" or "Turkey Dump" but some say the term is outdated.
"Hardly any high-school-turned-college relationships make it to Valentine's Day," said Marjorie Savage, the parent program director at the University of Minnesota, which warns parents of incoming freshmen about the toll a breakup can take on a college student's transition into his or her new life.
"In most cases, they've made up their minds well before Thanksgiving and they break up over Facebook."
Ironically, the same technology that keeps some lovers together across the miles is used to split up others. Rather than breaking it off in person, more people are delivering the bad news with the click of a mouse. A recent survey from consumer market research company Lab42 found that one-third of adults have broken up via Facebook, e-mail or text message.
Rachel Wells, 28, of Columbia Heights broke up with her boyfriend via voice mail. She waited until he was out of town because she worried that a face-to-face interaction would change her mind.
"I left a two-minute-long rambling phone message breaking it off and when I wanted to delete it after I replayed it, I couldn't," she said. "Nothing was worded how I wanted and the whole thing was really awkward."
Fascinated by the subject of breaking up via electronic media, Ilana Gershon, a professor at Indiana University, delved into the topic and interviewed 72 people, mostly students, about the topic. The results are published in Gershon's "The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media." While most of those interviewed agreed that speaking face-to-face was the best way to end a relationship, many had experienced a breakup through electronic media.
The discovery doesn't surprise Elyse Johnson, a student at St. Catherine's University, who tried without success to turn her high school relationship into a ollege one.
But what Johnson wasn't ready for was the effect new media had on her post-breakup. Not only did she misinterpret the meaning of text messages sent by her ex, but Johnson also got caught up with keeping tabs on him through his Facebook page. Eventually, she had to "unfriend" him.
"Breaking up in the 21st century is so difficult," she said. "Technology makes communication so easy, yet so much harder to move on."
