You're an Unavailable Man? Fantastic! When Are We Getting Married?

When most people are seeking love, they have a basic list of check boxes they hold up to their prospective partners. On this list are questions like: is he single? Is he ready to be in a relationship? Is he emotionally available? Does he want to be in a relationship with me?

It makes me wildly uncomfortable when all the boxes on that list are checked.

I am attracted to and fall in love with unavailable men.

Image via WikipediaFor years, especially in the past three years, I have slept with married men, men in relationships, and emotionally unavailable men (the latter would be fine if sex was all I was after).

And with some of these men, I have developed serious romantic attachments as a result of our sexual relationship and friendship. I would wish, hope that they wanted more than sex, that they would want a relationship with me.

Why have I been so self-destructive?

I have put myself in these emotionally trying places out of fear that my imperfections and weaknesses would be exposed in the course of a serious, long-term relationship. I didn't want anyone close to me because closeness calls for a release of all pretenses; I would be forced to expose my strengths and my faults. In a healthy relationship, accountability and questions are part of the deal. I didn't want any questions; I didn't want to be accountable when it came to my problems. So, I chose men who I knew would not or could not be in a relationship with me.

My entanglements with unavailable men allowed me to avoid men who would see the real me and also gave me the opportunity to experience the feelings of love and emotional and sexual attraction that we all need.

I always knew going into these situations, that the men I was seeing weren't available for actual relationships. I never had to be told by others that, "He's just not that into you." None of the unavailable men with whom I have had sexual relationships can say I pushed them to do anything. I never bothered pursuing romantic relationships with these men because I knew, point blank, that they were unavailable. Instead, I stewed in my frustration and sadness, sharing my pain with one or two friends.

Over the years, my friends have made multiple attempts at setting me up with prospective boyfriends, but I always knew these men would be emotionally, mentally available. What a turn off, right? So I would refuse the set-up, or I would find a reason why that particular man wouldn't work for me after going out with him.

I would occasionally date romantically available men for short periods of time; I gave them a small chance. But I would never allow them into my world, they wouldn't meet my friends, they wouldn't be a part of my life. And soon, they would either tire of the situation or I would find a polite way to move on.

The concept of unavailability in men comes in many different forms and it's an issue I've seen many of my friends struggle with. For some, it's about being in a relationship with a man who could physically be in the same room, but is a million miles away in terms of his emotional commitment. For others, it's about falling in love with a man who will never be open to a sexual or romantic relationship. For me, an unavailable man is someone who gives me enough to live on emotionally and sexually, but is someone who is totally and literally unavailable for a relationship.

Sometimes, when we chase after things, we are not necessarily chasing after something that is inaccessible. My relationships with unavailable men have nothing to do with wanting what I can't have. These relationships are about doing everything to avoid what I want the most.

The way I would fall in love with unavailable men was always the same. In fact, it had become so textbook that a few close friends would often notice and point it out when I was heading in that direction. I would sleep with a man, whether I knew he was available or not, and once I confirmed that he was unavailable, I would become more attracted to him. It wouldn't take much for the emotional attraction to happen. If he said something sweet to me, or asked me the right questions, I couldn't help but feel drawn to him. Whether the attraction would last for days, weeks, or months, it was incredibly intense and emotionally draining. And I lived out that pain in private.

The process would only be prolonged when I received a perfectly timed text-message or phone call from one of my unavailable men. These connections would provide the warmth and sense of closeness that I desired. Those text messages and phone calls were enough to keep me giving them what they wanted -- so I could get what I needed.

My problems, my imperfections are the kind that everyone has. But for some reason, I felt like I had some sort of invisible cloak that prevented people from noticing these flaws unless I let them in. I was wrong. Everyone saw them, as any attempt at covering up problems only leads them to be revealed more publicly. My choice to engage with unavailable men stemmed precisely from this fear of intimacy and a fear of exposing my faults and inadequacies.

My attraction towards unavailable men taught me a big lesson, a lesson about my aversion to revealing my shortcomings to the world. I have fundamentally shifted how I see privacy and what it really means to be private.

Our need for privacy, for secrecy, for keeping our imperfections hidden is seriously taxing our lives -- it took me away from myself and nearly destroyed me. We ironically admire this internal suffering as a strong character trait, "Oh, she's so private," or "He's so private." We seem to think this kind of silent suffering is honorable. It's not.

For me, sharing my time with unavailable men was a major way to hide parts of myself. Being with these men was my version of privacy. Being forced to talk about my relationships with these unavailable men or being forced to talk about the resulting pain made me feel like I was being exposed to the world. For me, talking about my problems was a weakness. And that's why I never did it. Until now.

Our tendency towards privacy often relates to our desire to hide our problems and our desire to conceal our fear of exposing personal issues and imperfections. But problems are generally not solved behind closed doors. I also think it's nearly impossible to cover up or hide our general imperfections or issues -- human beings are so perceptive that most people will soon realize that something is wrong. For me, privacy is now about keeping things special or keeping other people's secrets. Privacy is no longer about burying my own secrets or imperfections. I just don't care anymore about being judged.

Usually people wait until they're extremely successful or well past their problems to discuss them. We are often willing to talk about our secrets or our problems once we have solved them. It's so much more comfortable to say, "That's how I used to be." I'm not there yet. I thought about unavailable men yesterday, I thought about them this morning, and I am thinking about them now.

While revealing this issue about my life may be embarrassing for some to hear or know about, I no longer have an issue admitting that I have never felt truly close to anyone. This is because until now, I have not truly felt close to myself.

I really want to be in relationship. But I know I am not ready since there's nothing I want to do more than respond to the text that I just received from one of my unavailable men. That text still gives me enough, even though it truly offers nothing. I still have the desire to get what I need from someone who doesn't want to give me more than sex and a kind word, someone who won't ask me any questions, someone who won't require me to be a better person, someone who let's me keep my privacy, and someone who allows me to keep all of my faults and shortcomings at bay.

But I know I have to stop sleeping and falling in love with unavailable men -- because my need for privacy has left me feeling incredibly lonely.

I've been knocking on a door when I know that no one is home. I'm tired of waiting around for him to answer.

Related articles

• Unavailable (visibilis.wordpress.com)
• Couples report gender differences in relationship, sexual satisfaction over time (long-termrelationships.blogspot.com)
• Men who flaunt flashy cars not the 'marrying kind' (long-termrelationships.blogspot.com)
• Fantasy vs. Reality in Bed (foxnews.com)
• Is This You? Say It Isn't So!!! (realtalkreallife.wordpress.com)

Cuddling More Important to Men in Long-Term Relationships

Despite traditional beliefs about what makes men and
women happy in relationships, a new study found
that kissing, cuddling and caressing are more
important to men than they are to women.

The researchers, from The Kinsey Institute in
Bloomington, Ind., were also surprised to find that
more men reported being happy in their relationships
while more women reported being sexually satisfied.
Women who were in relationships for at least 15 years
were more likely to be sexually satisfied than women
in relationships less than 15 years.

The study authors surveyed more than 1,000
couples from the U.S. and four other countries to
determine what factors predict relationship
satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. All study
participants reported being in their current
relationships for an average of 25 years.

"This study makes it clear our assumptions aren't
always borne out by research," said Jennifer Bass,
director of communications at The Kinsey Institute.
The researchers weren't immediately available for
interviews.

Psychologists who were not involved in the research
were intrigued by the finding that men with long-term
partners need touch and affection to be happy in
relationships, but say in general, touch is very
important.

"Touch from a person you love and trust is a major
emotional resource and a way that people can
regulate their emotions when they are upset," said
Aline Zoldbrod, a psychologist in Lexington, Mass.
"Couples who use touch to comfort, to compliment,
and yes, to seduce and arouse, are bound to be
happier."

"While the women in this study also like physical
gestures of affection, these gestures tended to be
associated for them with increased satisfaction in
their sexual activity," said Heitler. "For them, an
affectionate hubby leads to more sexual pleasure."

Many women in long-term relationships, however,
were not surprised by the finding that sex is so
important to women who have been with their
partners a long time.

"I have been with my husband since I was 19 years
old (I just turned 40), and sexual satisfaction is a
major part of why our marriage works," said Saideh
Browne of Brooklyn, N.Y.

Another woman, who wanted to remain anonymous,
said: "I'm a 46-year-old woman that has been married
for 30 years this summer. We have had ups and
downs in our sexual relationship over the years, but I
have to say that the times when we were having an
active sex life was when I was happiest in our
marriage."

Jessica Gottlieb, who has been married for 14 years,
said: "I'm a married woman, the world should assume
that I enjoy sex. It's part of the deal."

However, experts say sexual satisfaction is difficult
to measure, and it could also be the case that study
participants define it in different ways.

Later Years Very Different for
Men and Women

Susan Heitler, a couples psychologist in Denver
who also founded the online counseling resource
Power of Two, said previous studies have found
relationship needs change over time.

"Prior research has shown that as people age, men
focus more on general relationship satisfaction and
women ... increasingly value the sexual aspects of the
relationship," she said.

There could be a number of reasons why women's
need for sexual satisfaction increases over the course
of a relationship.

"Maybe after 15 years of being married, it's not a
difficult time as far as raising children is concerned,
and women can devote more time to their sexual
satisfaction," she said.

Experts also say biology could also be a reason.

"Men are at their sexual drive peak in their late teens
while women are at their peaks in their early 30s,"
said Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif.-based
psychotherapist and author of "The Self-Aware
Parent."

"Men may become less concerned about sex because
they are feeling spontaneously aroused less
frequently with age," said Heitler. "They still like sex,
but they feel less desperate for it than in their
younger years."

Many women establish identities outside the home
and as they get older, feel more empowered to get
their sexual needs met.

"Women gain ego strength and a sense of their own
sexual rights as they age and so if expectations are
not met or their partner does not attempt to please
them, they can be upset, even angry," said Pepper
Schwartz, senior fellow at the Contemporary Council
on the Family and author of Prime: Adventures and
Advice about Sex, Love and the Sensual Years.

Other factors that predicted relationship happiness
in the study were good health among men and being
able to function well sexually among men and
women.

While men and women differed about what made
them happy in their relationships, both sexes
reported being happier the longer they were involved
with their significant others.

The study also found differences in relationship and
sexual satisfaction across cultures. For example,
Japanese men reported being more satisfied sexually
than American men, and Japanese and Brazilian
women were more satisfied sex
however, since subjects from the different countries
weren't all similar in terms of factors like age.

"The research does show interesting findings that
need to be explored much further to see how it
translates to a large international population," said
Amy Levine, a certified sexuality educator in New York
and founder of Sex Ed Solutions, a sex education web
site.

This study may also offer comfort to many men who
think they're the only ones whose wives or girlfriends
aren't always interested in sex.

"Perhaps this will soothe some of the men in their
thirties and forties who think that their situation of
having a wife who is not all that enthusiastic about
sex is unique," said Zoldbrod.

Rekindling the flame: Sex and the long-term relationship

If you needed proof that couples are looking for ways to bring back the spark in their relationships, look no further than your local bookshop where memoirs about re-invigorating a flagging sex life abound.

From the wife who promised her husband sex at least once a day for the next year for his 40th birthday, to the woman who gave her husband 40 beads for his 40th which could be exchanged for sex – lots of couples are sharing their schemes to rekindle the passion.

As detailed in these books, a plan and some imagination can go a long way to getting things back on track in the bedroom.

It may take some work, but the good news is you don't need to write a book about the experience to reap the rewards.

Behind the bedroom door

If either you or your partner feels unhappy with the amount of sex you are having, take heart that you're not alone.

A recently published study found that 54% of Australian men and 42% of Australian women in heterosexual relationships were unhappy with the frequency of sex in their relationship – mostly because they wanted more sex.

So why are many couples having less sex than at least one partner would like? What are the biggest hurdles to shared sexual happiness?

Experts say that the list is long and varied but some of the main factors include:

Work and financial stress
Lack of time to connect as a couple
Unrealistic expectations about sex
Demands of raising children
Stress can be a desire-killer for both men and women in relationships, whether it is stress at work, financial stress, or stress over the lack of time.

Almost 70% of respondents to a recent Relationships Australia survey nominated stress as a factor impacting on their relationship as a whole, while more than half nominated lack of time to spend together.

Relationships Australia CEO Anne Hollands says that having enough time to reconnect on an emotional and physical level is hardest for couples raising children.

In addition, women tend to carry more of the burden when it comes to child-rearing, which sets up more barriers to sex.

"If you are not able to carve out time for yourselves as a couple, you start to become discontented." says Hollonds.

"You start to notice more of the negatives in the relationship because you have not been experiencing the positives."

Additionally, Philip Armstrong, CEO of the Australian Counselling Association, says media and television are a significant cause of sexual dissatisfaction, as they can fuel unrealistic expectations about how your partner's performance or appearance.

On top of all these outside influences, our physical health can also have a major impact on our sex life – particularly as we get older.

Drug and alcohol use, poor sleeping habits and obesity can all contribute to lowered levels of desire and impaired sexual function.

Sometimes a partner's lowered desire comes from hormonal changes related to life changes such as menopause (see box). Meanwhile, chronic conditions such as diabetes and COPD can interfere with sexual performance.

When to see a GP

Depression, hormonal changes, COPD, even arthritis: there are a host of complaints that can have a detrimental effect when it comes to our sex lives.

Rather than allow them to become reasons to avoid intimacy, it is worth seeking advice and support from your GP.

Men who are experiencing impotence should seek advice, in particular, as erectile dysfunction can be linked with cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

It is also worth remembering that some prescription medicines can have an adverse effect on sexual function and levels of desire.

Pain during sex can be a problem for some women and can be due to a range of underlying problems – from a urinary tract infection to fibroids. Your GP can help pinpoint the cause.

The not-so-quick fix

Time, energy, and commitment are required to rebuild a healthy sex life, according to experts.

In particular, Hollonds says a couple needs to work together to identify the risk factors threatening their sexual relationship and build a plan to address them.

Communication is key throughout this process, and if you are having difficulty talking to your partner, Relationships Australia suggests asking yourself these three questions to identify how you can improve your communication style:

What things cause upsets between you and you partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
What things cause you disappointment and pain? What things don't you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?
Hollands, also urges couples having difficulties to consider relationship counselling – and to use it as a preventative measure, rather than a last resort.

"It's like home repairs," she says, "If you wait 20 years and haven't done it, it's a really big job. But if you have had a plan of small repairs along the way it's not so daunting."

How to get your groove back

Once you are communicating with your partner, putting the spark back into a relationship is all about having a good plan.

Planning to be intimate may not sound very romantic, but sex therapist Desiree Spierings, director of counselling practice Sexual Health Australia, says there is nothing wrong with this approach – in fact, while people expect sex to happen spontaneously, it rarely does.

Spierings suggests planning a time and place just to have sex – a sex date.

"Often when we think of a romantic date, we go to dinner or the movies first. But then when it comes to sex we are already tired, or too full," she says.

Spierings also recommends creating 'intimate opportunities' – which could be as simple as going to bed at the same time.

"The more opportunities like these, the more likely sex is going to happen," she says.

Ultimately, Spierings encourages couples to make sex a priority in their relationship and to have fun.

Here are her top tips for spicing things up in the bedroom:

Plan a sex date: Set a time and place for just sex (nothing else).
Create intimate opportunities: Have a bath or shower together, snuggle on the sofa, take a romantic stroll.
Put it first on the to-do list: View it as being more important than getting the washing done, or the bills paid.
Love yourself: Be in touch with your own sexuality and make sure you feel sexy.
Try something new: A new position, new location, or a striptease. Be creative!
Try something old: Think about what worked during your honeymoon phase that you haven't done for awhile.
Foreplay all day: Flirt, flirt, flirt outside the bedroom. Send your partner a sexy text or email, whisper something nice to him while out with friends, or touch her sneakily under the table.
Not a must do, but a want to: Don't just do it to get it over and done with. Make the most of it, and have a positive attitude.
Have fun together: Sex can intimate or erotic, but don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself. If it is neither of these remember it can always be playful.
Whatever you do to bring the excitement back into the bedroom, the key message is to act as soon as you can.

"Do it while there is still goodwill to remember the good times," Hollonds says.

"If you can get to that mind frame that says this is a joint endeavour, then you are well on your way. The practical things that follow are not that hard."