DEB LEVINE,
Oakland, Calif.
Bravo to Dan Savage for his forthright thesis exposing the meshugas that is monogamy. Now if he can only convince my wife.
DAVID CHARAK,
Boca Raton, Fla.
I was struck by how Dan Savage’s approach to fidelity approximates the thinking of some who work with alcoholics and who believe that for some alcoholics, moderate drinking is the lesser of two evils. “Zero tolerance” is an absurd concept that does not and cannot work in any alcohol or drug program. How many members would A.A. have if participants were kicked out after “straying”? So why apply this unrealistic standard to marriage? For all of us, it seems that the approach to monogamy should be “one day at a time.”
MICHAEL G. BRAUTIGAM,
Brooklyn
I found it somewhat ludicrous that a gay therapist is dispensing advice on how to make heterosexual marriages succeed by allowing infidelities. The argument for “open marriage” was vigorously championed most recently in the 1960s and ’70s. The result was an enormous upturn in the divorce rate. My more than 54 years as a rabbi have taught me that the commandment “you shall not commit adultery” is still terribly relevant, and our religious traditions wisely maintain that marriage is sacred, the bonds between husband and wife are inviolate and that nothing shatters marital trust more than infidelity.
RABBI GILBERT S. ROSENTHAL
Director, The National Council of Synagogues,
Needham, Mass.
I appreciated Mark Oppenheimer’s views on marriage. One point I think he should have addressed is that people like Anthony Weiner and Arnold Schwarzenegger don’t have the luxury of working his valid points about infidelity into their marriages because they don’t enjoy the privacy that the rest of us do.
CHRISTINA SCHLANK
Manhattan Beach, Calif.
How are the Vitter and Clinton marriages “failed monogamous relationships”? Both the Vitters and the Clintons are still together, so either the couples in question had an agreement about having a nonmonogamous marriage, or they were able to get beyond the fact that their partners strayed. In the case of Schwarzenegger, I would bet good money that Maria knew about Arnold’s cheating heart before they got hitched. What spurred the divorce was the fact that he never told her about a child conceived with a domestic employee — right under her nose, in her own house. It was humiliation, in that circumstance, and outsize betrayal, not just the sex, that ended that marriage. Whoever is on the cover of Us Weekly is having his or her affair blared to the universe. I would argue that’s a lot more destabilizing than just sex.
JESSICA GROSE,
1:50 p.m., June 30, Slate.com
The most telling quote comes near the end: “The greater good is the home created for children,” Dan Savage says. “If there are children present, they’ll get past it. The cultural expectation should be if there’s infidelity, the marriage is more important than fidelity.” Having children shouldn’t give anyone the right to cheat just because staying together for the children is more important. Savage stresses repeatedly that the time to talk about nonmonogamy is before either partner in a relationship has a fling.
But whenever I find out that a friend or acquaintance with children is divorcing, I can’t help imagining myself in their situation and picturing what it would be like to see my kids only half the time, to have to split up Christmases and birthdays, to spend time worrying about pickups and drop-offs that should be spent on lazy Sunday mornings with pancakes and cartoons. Even if you’re the victim in the situation, you pay a pretty high price when you end a marriage.
RACHEL LARIMORE,
5:28 p.m., June 30, Slate.com
I am married and aware that my husband has posted on “menseeking women” on Craigslist from time to time. The pain and humiliation is indescribable. He gets to fulfill his fantasies and feed his ego, but there is not a day I don’t think about divorcing him for his selfishness. It’s complex to leave someone you love for nonmonogamy, but in the end this has to be at the heart of a marriage or the bond is broken. Don’t marry if you don’t intend to be monogamous.
MEG,
Greenwich,
Conn., 10:34 a.m., June 30, nytimes.com
As Dan Savage points out, the “age-old understanding” was that men could have their flings on the side, as well as frequent prostitutes, while women were virgins at marriage and monogamous afterward. Now, as far as I can see, the understanding is that both sexes will sleep around quite a bit or have a series of “relationships” then, once married, remain completely monogamous.
FLORAMAC,
Maine, 9:59 a.m., June 30, nytimes.com
In this country, we worship marriage and demonize infidelity. How many times did a friend of a “victim” who was cheated on tell that victim to leave? But not many friends will actually try to support the victim and try to help them analyze whether the relationship is worth holding onto. Most married couples that I know have had some sort of an extramarital affair. Unfortunately, some of them divorced because of their affairs, and many regret that choice. The essence of their regret is that they miss their friend/partner and the stability that went along with their marriage and children. So let’s stop judging and crucifying private sex lives and instead lend a hand to those who just need to talk and to sort out their true emotions.
MOMOFTWO,
New York, 10:10 a.m., June 30, nytimes.com
Nowhere in this article does it talk about the person the married person is cheating with. The “other woman” and the “other man” are frequent casualties of married people using them as a tonic to what ails their marriage. Often, a married person meets another person who expands their world, offers them love and a fresh start, but because of an oath they took years before, often foolishly, they are obliged to stick out their marriage, bored and unfulfilled.
SINGLEWOMAN,
New York, 11:31 a.m., June 30, nytimes.com
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